Sora Totally Gets Laid
by CalKJ
Summary: And it was awesome if you ignore the fact he was drugged and unconscious for some of it. Either way, 2B turned Sora into a man that night, and it was totally legit.
1. A Man with Many Questions

**Chapter 1: A Man with Many Questions**

"What would another warrior think of my form, here?"

Sora, a Keyblade wielder chosen to bring balance to the Force—wait…

"Am I really using all my power, even if I'm still breathing?"

Okay. This is Sora, a warrior who fights on the side of Light. Recently, his yellow Camaro had been acting strange, doing things like transforming into a giant robot and calling itself "Bumblebee"—shit, that's not it either…

"I know the Keyblade is the greatest weapon of all, but am I truly worthy of wielding it?"

All right, I've got it this time. Sora, a boy who's been fifteen or sixteen years of age for over ten years now thanks to Square Enix, ahem, perfecting their third numbered entry in the Kingdom Hearts series, is beginning to accept the hurdles of becoming a man. Though technically not eighteen (and definitely not old enough to buy liquor, but you'd think he would be) Sora's days of boyhood are long behind him.

True, Square Enix is hard at work constructing the legendary Kingdom Hearts III…as of this writing. And true, Sora has recently kicked up his training into high gear thanks to rumors of intensely difficult boss fights. But one thing that _truly_ needs to be noted here is the fact that Sora might just be the only playable hero taking this third-numbered-entry-thing seriously. Perhaps, too seriously.

Anyway, you still here? Good—no, great. On to the scene.

Sora's choice of world reflected his favorite type of training: overwhelming amounts of enemies versus his love for battling bigger foes. So naturally, he was training inside Beast's Castle. He truly appreciated how the prince and Belle allowed him to run around the expansive manor, slapping up Heartless and Nobodies left and right. In fact their exact words to Sora were…

* * *

 _-Enter Flashback- (No, they didn't say that shit.)_

"Really, only if you don't mind the leg work, Sora!" said Belle, caressing her beau's furry chest. She, Beast, and Sora were gathered in the parlor, discussing their plans during the midday. "Beast needs a day off from maiming and killing anyway. He's supposed to be preparing for our vacation to Italy, but he's been so preoccupied with those hooligans he can't even be bothered to replace Lumiere's candle wax."

Just then, a brass candelabra with merely two inches of candle wax hobbled over to the conversation. Speaking from a grinning face crammed within those two inches of wax, Lumiere addressed the matter in a strained, French accent, "On the bright side, monsieur, female company has been abundant of late."

"And Sora," Beast added in his gruff voice, "I'd really appreciate you purging the ballroom of their presence. You know what their favorite thing to do is? Leave nasty bits of graffiti all over the pillars—they think they're so clever with their bestiality jokes, filthy bastards…"

Nodding his head in agreement, Sora replied, "Don't even lose sleep over it, Beast." Judging by the sandbags under the prince's eyes, Sora might've been a little late in telling him that. "I'll send those creeps a message they won't forget. Oh, and if you point me to the nearest mop and bucket, I'll take care of those nasty scribbles afterward. Nope, we won't tolerate intolerance here, no sir-ee!"

Smiling warmly, Belle said, "That's good to hear! Honestly, Sora, you do too much. Hasn't Kairi missed having you around?"

Crap. She brought up Kairi. Quickly, Sora did his best to deflect the question, "Huh? Oh no trust me, she's off having fun with her own set of friends. In fact…" _Sora, quit yammering right now!_ In no time flat, an embarrassed smile ripped across his mug as he continued, "…Kairi and some of our other friends are all going to a Hatsune Miku concert later on tonight."

Screwing up her face like she just heard bloody murder, Belle gave a heated response, "What? You mean without inviting you?"

Shoot. He knew he shouldn't have mentioned it. Sora made an attempt to diffuse the incoming rumor storm, "No really, it was something they decided last minute, and since I don't hang out with them as much as I used to, I just plain missed the opportunity."

"Hmph," Belle scoffed. "You'd think she'd at least shoot you a Kweh or something."

"Well, that's how I found out. All five of them sent out a public Kweh." Sora never would've pegged Belle to get angry over the exclusion of a friend. But then again, she _was_ a Princess of Heart.

Ready to deflect the topic to something different, Sora declared, "Well, I guess I'd better get started. Jerk-wad Heartless won't vanquish themselves, and whatnot…"

Belle dropped the subject for now. Beast nodded his head, cheerfully coaxing his brave but lonely friend, "I trust you'll gain some well-deserved experience from all this. Truly, we can't thank you enough. Furthermore, while Belle and I shop at the market, the castle is yours until our return."

"Understood." Then some confusion hit Sora. "Hey, wait a sec – didn't you turn back into a human during the end credits of Kingdom Hearts II?"

Stammering for logic, Beast did his best to answer him, "Uh well, that was a scene looking into the future, demonstrating brighter beginnings, the turning over of new leaves, and…look just don't think about it. Follow your heart, do the right nonsense, or what have you. We'll be on our way, Sora."

Bowing his head cordially, Sora allowed the loving couple to depart. He couldn't lie to himself. He secretly envied them, what they had. Far too many people take love and affection for granted, sneaking around and cheating on their so-called lovers. Though already a "junior hero" (in the words of Phil), Sora still didn't quite understand the meaning of love just yet. Seems like it was more popular to simply _love having fun._ But how long would that last? If there ever came a day when Sora would be in absolute love with someone, he'd wanna deliver on every sense of the word. Because that's really all love is, just a word.

 _-End Flashback-_

* * *

Heartless and Nobodies. Heartless and Nobodies. So many freaking Heartless and Nobodies. But hey…this was what he asked for.

Sora was throwing the smack down in the ballroom, slashing and hacking while popping Elixirs to keep his use of magic alive. He honestly didn't expect the first wave of enemies to roll in so deep, but after a while he deduced every single Heartless and Nobody in Beast's Castle had poured themselves into the ballroom as a frenzied response to Sora's rebellion.

It was at this point Sora deftly exited his fighting stance and began applying a new bandage to his cheek right in the middle of the swarm. He had made a slight hiccup when a Dragoon's lance nicked the side of his face, leaving a totally Potion-able scratch. However, it was solely Sora's decision to stop and use a Band-Aid, providing an excellent opportunity to straight-up taunt his enemies.

After smoothing out the adhesive patch, Sora went ahead and recited a lovely poem he'd prepared:

"Crimson Jazz, pain in the ass. Dragoons galore, like doing my chores. Plenty of Dusks, I give no fucks." He chuckled. He liked that part. "Large Bodies—better make em' dead ones! And Morning Stars can go straight to hell." He grunted.

"Shit,"he thought out loud, "that doesn't rhyme."

With a hefty batter's swing, Sora sent one of the bulbous Morning Stars flying into a cluster of undesirables, punctuating their demise with a bowling ball effect.

The true purpose of his odious ode was to keep himself from asking pointless questions again. However, that didn't last. Without even enjoying the carnage, Sora couldn't help but ponder out loud, "I wonder if the dev team got my memos about including taunts in Kingdom Hearts III…"

Back flipping out of the way from a charging Large Body, Sora asked himself while airborne, "What's the point of a suggestion box if they won't even use it?"

One nimble landing later and Sora was back to ripping a Dusk to shreds.

"Am I just letting myself get ignored? How much more assertive should I be?"

He combined a one-eighty turn with a side kick, knocking a Hammer Frame clean across the ballroom.

"Should I be as angry as Kratos to show my true power? _Gather!"_

Sora made efficient use of a Magnet spell, gathering a horde of Crimson Jazz in glowing orbit. Sequentially, he blasted them with a triple ice-spell amid their immobility.

"I'm not asking for _Ninja Gaiden_ levels of challenge, but if need be, I _will_ rise to the occasion!"

Just then, another Large Body charged into him from the side; luckily he snapped to his guard, receiving a ton of the bulky enemy's momentum to slide backward along the marble floor.

"Why is everyone forgetting the importance of a game series' 'Part Three'?"

Sora initiated his reprisal: a Counterattack burst that forced the fat one backward followed by a Strike Raid to the gut.

"Uncharted 3, God of War III, Devil May Cry 3…those games were freaking amazing!"

Time for a Shotlock. After targeting enough idiots-slash-enemies, Sora started zipping from foe-to-foe, smacking them out of equilibrium.

"Why don't Riku and Kairi just start dating already so I can stop holding my breath?!"

Just then, too many Dragoons entered Sora's personal bubble, so the young Keyblader smacked the ground with a Finishing Leap to set them all ablaze and airborne.

"Why does Square Enix throw a fit every time I go to different game worlds? Can they ditch the parental controls JUST ONCE?!"

Casting an Aero spell, Sora used wind to put their fires out…and send each of them careening into the ballroom's pillars.

"Why don't any of my friends try to fight on LEVEL ONE CRITICAL MODE?!"

It was death from above; a Morning Star fancied itself an aerial attack, of which Sora deftly blocked. While holding off the ball-shaped bruiser suspended overhead, he let his rage burn like hellfire.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING _HARD FOR MEEEE?!"_

The very Morning Star he was fending off actually fucking died from Sora's anger issues. Damn thing just exploded. After that display of beastlike emotion, the twenty or so remaining Heartless and Nobodies got the same idea and charged Sora all at once.

"Great."

Sora unleashed Zantetsuken, a finishing move that hurled Sora across the ballroom in a blur. After reappearing at the opposite end, near the entrance, Sora turned and watched every monster's delayed reaction of becoming cut down into heaps of corpses.

It was during the Heartless' and Nobodies' evaporation from existence that Sora heard the sound of someone clearing his throat behind him. The voice was gruff, so no surprise who it was. However, the Keyblader hadn't expected the homeowners to return so early. Startled, Sora whirled around to face Beast and Belle in the ballroom's doorway, both of whom were giving Sora a look of utter horror.

"Sora," Beast began lowly, eyes bugging out, "…that was scary."

"Uh…um…" What could Sora even say here? "I think I got carried away."

"I'll say!" Belle shrieked. "But still – good work!"

Finally, Sora was back to a cool head. "Well, I guess I should give myself a break, huh?"

Belle giggled. "You clearly need a vacation. Maybe you should come with us to Italy, Sora."

Beast wasn't feeling that shit. "Absolutely not, Belle! He'll rage us into exile!"

Sighing, Belle crossed her arms and said, "Beast, it was a joke."

Glad to be laughing like his regular self again, Sora added, "Yeah, and Square Enix's rules prevent me from venturing outside their boundaries. But maybe someday I'll have the power to leave and enjoy the sights."

Making a peculiar request, Belle twirled a few strands of hair and said, "Well at least come up to my room for a gratuitous massage, Sora…"

Sora's brain had a hard time parsing that proposal. Meanwhile, any chance of him accepting Belle's invitation was cut short by the Beast snarling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa – okay, Sora, you did an awesome job with the Heartless! You may take your leave from this castle at once!"

Belle's eyes started wandering.

Brain back online, Sora offered, "All right, but I still wanted to wash off all that rude graffiti—"

"No need," Beast interjected, cutting his eyes at Belle and back to Sora. "You just make sure you get home safely, and once again, splendid, excellent work. Now good day to you, sir!"

Shrugging, Sora said before walking past them, "Okay. Have a nice night, you two!"

"Bye, Sora!" Belle said after the departing, painfully oblivious but-we-all-still-root-for-him young hero.

Giving a cheery wave, Sora took his leave from the ballroom and, ultimately, Beast's Castle. Randomly, he needed to adjust himself while walking down the main hall. No one saw him do it though, so it was cool. Before leaving through the giant double doors, Sora could make out the faintest sound of two people arguing. Oh, well. Love is unpredictable.

Meanwhile, Belle was voicing her vexation, "I thought you said you were open to three-ways!"

"Dammit!" Beast cursed, trying to keep his voice down. "Not—not with Sora! He's too hairless!"

"Make up your mind!"

Flying his Gummi Ship back to Square Enix headquarters, Sora pondered out loud in the cockpit, "I sure hope Tifa's bar is still open. I need to take a load off with a nice, cold glass of non-alcoholic lemonade. That oughta hit the spot."

And it came to pass that Sora made plans to go into Tifa's bar, The Seventh Heaven, to do just that: hit the fucking spot.

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** A good lay should set that anger straight. Legit. You probably noticed this story **pretty much eviscerates the fourth wall** , as in all characters are self-aware that they are video game characters. Hope that doesn't scare anyone away.

If you liked what you absorbed from this chapter, please leave a thingamajig or what have you. 'Til next time!


	2. 2B, or Not 2B

**Chapter 2: 2B, or Not 2B**

Yeah, that chapter title didn't take much effort.

Anyway, sailing across the dark, heavenly depths of outer space, the compact Gummi ship zeroed in on Square Enix Headquarters. Entering the atmosphere, Sora noticed the sky didn't get any brighter, figuring it was already nighttime.

Flying high above numerous Square-owned buildings, like dormitories, apartments, hotels, and even some suburbs, Sora guided his vessel over to a brightly lit parking garage, zooming inside and quickly locating a vacant spot. After backing in like a seasoned driver, Sora popped the keys and hopped out the space-whip, noticing he'd parked next to Cloud Strife's custom motorcycle.

Sora whistled. "Someday, Fenrir. Someday."

After a short trek out of the garage and through a dark courtyard, Sora entered the front doors of his towering humble abode; the aptly-named Destiny Dormitory stood thirteen stories tall, split into two separate wings, both of which housed heroes, villains, and NPC's (Non-Playable Characters) alike.

Sora made his way through the lobby, past some excited strangers heading out for the night, inside an elevator, and all the way up to the top floor, where his room resided at the end of the hallway as the second-to-last room on the left. Unlocking his door with his magic weapon, Sora finally retired to his slightly unkempt living quarters.

He crossed his arms, glancing at a PaRappa the Rapper poster on the wall. Half-smiling, he mumbled, "Hatsune Miku, eh? Oh, well."

He ripped his clothes off and started the shower; with a pep in his naked-ass step, he hopped into a portable paradise.

* * *

 **-X-**

Helpful as ever, 2B's airborne pod unit gave its analysis on the situation, "Destination verified. We are standing outside the popular tavern known as the Seventh Heaven. Awaiting further orders."

Scanning the area through her black visor, 2B replied, "Just follow me inside and stay hidden in the rafters. When I give the signal, deposit the knock-out agent into the target's beverage."

"Alert: presence of warriors is disproportional to the amount of extractable light detected," Pod 042 informed.

"Doesn't matter," said 2B. "If I have to extract light from twenty of these so-called warriors, then I'll do it."

"Alert: permission to record video clips?"

"No."

"Alert: what about pictures?"

"…Maybe. Initiating the mission."

2B entered the Seventh Heaven tavern, being greeted by the smell of booze, cigar-smoke, and hair gel. Her pod assistant zipped to the ceiling in a blur, hiding in the shadows of the rafters. Strolling past numerous male patrons who couldn't help but stop and gawk, 2B situated herself at the bar, a move she had learned while investigating Smokin' Hot Chick Protocol 101.

"Hey, there," Tifa, the longtime bartender greeted her. "I'd start you off with something, but I think someone else will take care of you…"

Briefly puzzled by Tifa's premonition, 2B suddenly heard the pod's voice in her hidden ear piece, "Alert: human with inadequate light inbound to your position."

Smiling at Tifa, 2B responded, "Let's see what he's got."

Sliding into the bar stool on 2B's right, none other than Zidane Tribal of Final Fantasy IX graced her presence. Sitting with an elbow on the bar and his crotch facing the android girl, Zidane gave a suave smile before spitting some serious game, "Damn, baby! You must be an arsonist! Don't you know walking in like that is a goddamn fire-hazard?"

Ignoring that statement, 2B greeted the small-but-confident monkey boy, "Hello, there. Care to buy me a drink?"

"Oh, certainly—where are my manners? My name's Zidane Tribal." Winking at Tifa, Zidane requested, "One shot of the usual, sweetness!"

"Really, Zidane? A shot?" Tifa teased. "I believe she asked for a drink, not a shot of your specially made poison."

"Who doesn't like Vodka and Whiskey?" Zidane asked in disbelief. "Fine. How 'bout a mimosa for the lady? What's your name, sweetheart?"

"2B," she answered, shaking his hand.

"2B? The Too-Beautiful Babe with a Blindfold—mm-mm!" While Zidane advanced in his game plan to score in some way, 2B used her high-tech blindfold to commence a diagnostic of the potential donor's vitals. "You know, I love a mysterious woman, 2B. Who knew a blindfold could be so sexy! In fact, I've gotta lotta secrets myself…"

The pod's artificial voice notified 2B through her hidden ear piece, "Be advised: the light of the current target shrinks the more he speaks to you."

"You don't say," 2B replied to both pod and patron.

"Oh yeah, I've gotta secret island, with a secret mansion, and a secret water bed in that mansion. Yeah, it's kinda tacky, but I need it for my back. What about you, Too-Beautiful? Ever been in a water-bed?"

"Come with me outside," 2B said, shutting down her diagnostic. Grabbing Zidane's hand and leading him away from the bar, she added, "I want to show you something."

Looking like he just hit the lotto, Zidane beamed and said, _"I am right behind you_ …sweet-cheeks!"

Leading him outside, 2B walked him around the tavern's rear side, a dark and secluded area of the night. She stopped in front of a dumpster, somehow prompting Zidane to lift her mini-skirt and say, "Ooh, by the dumpster! So you like it romantic!"

Taking Zidane by the wrist and throwing his whole arm into a chokehold around his own neck, 2B asked discreetly, "Where can I find some warriors of light?"

"Warriors of what? Is that some kind of safe-word?" Zidane asked in a panic.

" _Warriors of light,"_ 2B repeated impatiently. "Do you know of any, or not?"

"Babe, I'm just tryna get my dick wet—let me cop a feel, at least!"

"Screw this."

Her katana flashed into existence; drawing it from the holster on her back, 2B proceeded to impale Zidane through the heart from behind.

Watching the bloodied blade protrude from his chest, Zidane screeched once before gagging on his words, "I…I don't even know why I have such a hard-on, right now!"

"Goodbye."

2B made quick work of tossing Zidane's body into the dumpster, where he mumbled in what must have been absolute anguish, "Man down."

"Thanks for the mimosa," 2B said before taking her leave.

Briskly making her reentrance into the tavern, 2B reclaimed her bar stool and sipped on her glass. That's when Tifa approached her with a cautious look, asking, "He's dead, isn't he?"

"Monkey-boy? He took a hike. Also, I hope it's trash night."

* * *

 **-X-**

Walking tall and proud down the streets of whatever new Midgar town was in Advent Children (Edge, or something, right?), Sora made the mistake of checking his Kweh account on his cell phone. (Yeah, it's a Twitter clone.)

"Wow…I don't even know half the people I follow. Time for a change!" Behold, Sora began unfollowing any Kweher name that didn't ring a bell. He saved names like Alladin and Zack Fair but made sure to chop off names like Sion Barzhad, Yoshi, Pikachu…Travis Touchdown, Sub-Zero, Iron Man…Wario, Ms. Pac-Man, Bayonetta—he didn't know tits for dick about these people, other than their compulsive need to Kweh something at indiscriminate points in the day. With little to no interest in these things being Kwehed at random, Sora found his following counter a fraction of what his used to be.

Satisfied, Sora entered the Seventh Heaven tavern wearing his usual KH2 attire, strutting like hot stuff over to the bar area. Taking a seat with two empty spots on either side of him, Sora smiled and greeted the bartender, "Long time no see, Tifa!"

Doing a double-take, Tifa acknowledged Sora as if he were celebrity-material. "Sora! I was beginning to think you were cheating on me!"

"Please, you know those other bartenders don't know me like you do," Sora quipped.

"Yeah, I knew you couldn't resist my charm," Tifa said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Between working all the time and slaying Heartless, I really haven't had much time for R&R."

"Well, you just relax while I get your usual mix ready, 'kay hon'?"

Listening to the sounds of zealous patrons, billiards and pool sticks, tap machines running, and even some toilets flushing, Sora lost himself in the smoky, alcohol-fueled atmosphere. It was just another Saturday night.

* * *

 **-X-**

"I'm guessing you don't know any warriors of light, either, Mr. Cid?" 2B asked, keeping Cid pinned on the floor of the ladies' bathroom in a stranglehold.

Straining under the android woman's superhuman force, Cid from Final Fantasy VII grumbled, "Sheesh, darling, haven't you heard of Google? Online dating? Anything but this crazy shit?"

Suddenly, the pod's artificial voice buzzed in her earpiece, "Alert: human with unrecognizable light levels has entered the tavern. Strategic action strongly recommended."

"Understood," 2B said out loud. Directing her attention back to Cid, she grabbed a tuft of his hair and slammed the old guy's forehead into the ceramic tile, knocking him senseless.

After stuffing him into a stall, 2B departed from the bathroom and spotted the human in question; scanning him through her visor, she ascertained that he was a brown-haired boy in his mid-teens with a ton of hidden potential. Trying to look inconspicuous, 2B further investigated him under the guise of fixing her lip gloss.

She took note of the boy's "unrecognizable light levels." Gaining a new lead, she surmised in a low voice, "Pod, the target's light levels depict fluctuating patterns that seem to move with the wind."

"Inconsequential. There is no wind within this tavern."

Sighing, 2B retorted, "Yeah, I know that. But the reason you and I can't scan his light-levels is because it's literally all over the place. It's everywhere at once—I don't know how else to describe it."

"Caution: dealing with a target of this echelon may lead to mission aberration," Pod 042 warned.

"I'm aware of that, yet somehow, I'm drawn to the possibility of new things happening. What's going on with me, Pod?"

Offering his pristine analysis on the situation, Pod 042 answered, "Currently, there is a presence of deviant programming installed and running in your systems. You may experience sweaty palms, flustered cheeks, and the uncontrollable urge to laugh and have a good time. Humans call this normal behavior, indicative of their attraction to the opposite sex. Often times, females find themselves one step ahead—alert: your excitement levels are increasing. Caution is advised."

"Shut up, Pod," 2B commanded under her breath, already approaching the empty seat on Sora's right side. Clearing her throat, 2B took a seat and crossed her legs, definitely a strong academic of Hot Chick Protocol.

Clutching a tall glass of ice-cold lemonade, Sora glanced to his right and gawked. He couldn't believe it.

"Riku, is that you?" he asked in amazement. "Hey, I thought you were at the concert!"

Screwing up her half-concealed face, 2B stammered, "Uh…who?"

Embarrassed, Sora quickly apologized, "Oh, I guess you're not Riku. Sorry about that, my friend has the same color hair and he sometimes wears a blindfold."

"He?" 2B repeated in shock. "You seriously thought I was a _guy?"_

"Just at first glance." Looking at her crossed legs and partially exposed cleavage, Sora excused his ridiculousness, "Sorry, I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Maybe I should be wearing the blindfold. So, uh…why are you wearing a blindfold?"

2B's hidden pod articulated its plan of action, "Removal of the visor is strongly recommended."

2B said with a giggle, "This old thing? I just wear it for, uh, you know…style."

Sora continued the conversation, "Style, eh? My friend Riku used his blindfold so his eyes wouldn't lie to him, but I think the real reason was to look good for his fangirls."

"Oh my, sounds like your friend has vanity issues," 2B said without thinking.

"Don't we all," Sora replied with a chuckle. Realizing he hadn't introduced himself, he said, "Oh, I forgot! My name's Sora. What's yours?"

Shaking his hand, she answered, "Just call me 2B." Suddenly, her visor picked up a strong geyser of light rushing from their brief handshake. Just when the light became too strong, her visor gave out, darkening her whole view of the place.

"Too-Bee, huh?" Sora repeated. "Do you have a sister named 3B?"

"A sister? Um…not exactly. Er, excuse me, I have to take this off."

After untying her blindfold, 2B blinked her light-blue eyes a few times to adjust her vision. Sometimes, she forgot how vibrant the world looked without her military-grade visor running diagnostics every five minutes. And like a tractor beam, her attention was immediately diverted to the blue-eyed warrior of light sitting next to her. Now she realized why her visor malfunctioned; the amount of light pouring out of this guy was unreal.

"Yeah, that joke was weak," Sora admitted sheepishly. Noticing she'd stopped to stare at him without the blindfold, he commented, "You have really nice eyes. I'd say you could do without the blindfold, Too-Bee."

Realizing that was the first time she'd just been complimented in a totally non-sexual way that night, 2B felt the blushing executable run through her mainframe. "I, uh…"

Pod 042 advised, "Alert: say thank you."

"Thank you, Sora," she said with a genuine smile.

That's when Tifa Lockhart stopped tending some customers to notice Sora and 2B chatting it up at the end of her bar. Throughout the whole night, she'd been keeping an eye on 2B's antics, taking note of all the disappearing male patrons who made advances on the girl. Even though she was more-than-likely maiming some of her best customers like Zidane, Xigbar, Middle-aged Man from Sonic '06, and even Cid, Tifa didn't mind them being gone. They often caused trouble, and her bar could use a break from constant turmoil. But seeing that girl with Sora raised a bunch of red flags for Tifa. That kid was like kin to her. Or rather…Sora was like a little brother's best friends' neighbor's pet husky, or something like that. The point was, Tifa loved animals and didn't wish to see Sora slaughtered like one.

Sliding to the end of the bar where Sora and 2B were situated, Tifa interrupted their conversation whilst throwing 2B a threatening look, "Heeeeey, awesome, friendly, totally-not-trying-to-kill-each-other people! Can I get you guys some refills on your drinks?"

"Right on time!" Sora remarked. "One refill should do it. Too-Bee, can I get you anything?"

Remembering her mission, 2B nodded and said, "Just one glass of lemonade, please."

Staring hard into the android's grayish blue eyes, Tifa replied with a lethal edge, "Coming. Right. Up."

2B already knew the bartender was on to her, but she had no idea how closely tied to Sora she might be. It made sense, though, seeing as how this young man's light was literally pouring through the whole bar. However, unlike 2B's previous victims, she didn't plan on wasting Sora at any point tonight. No, she merely wanted to extract his heroic seed for a much-needed firmware update.

She shot Tifa a look of indifference.

"Don't work too hard, Tifa!" Sora shouted jokingly.

Reclaiming Sora's attention, 2B lightly touched his arm and said, "So, Sora, tell me about yourself."

Shrugging, he began with the basics. "Sure. I'm a Keyblade wielder from a game called Kingdom Hearts. I know magic spells, I fly a space ship, and…I totally made up my own fighting style."

Intrigued, 2B asked, "Really? What's it called?"

"It's called…'Hit 'Em with the Sword, Then Hit 'Em Again," Sora quipped.

Laughing, 2B found herself entertained by the Keyblader's apparent lack of formal training. Even now, he just seemed to be improvising, unlike the previous dudes who always came in with some cringe-inducing pickup line. Suddenly, the pod's artificial voice resonated in 2B's earpiece, "Alert: the subject's vitals are showing an acute lack of sexual arousal. Subject may be a homosexual."

"We'll see," 2B muttered as low as possible. "Be prepared to initiate the sleeper agent."

"Comin' at ya," Tifa interjected, sliding two more glasses of lemonade their way.

Taking his glass, Sora noticed Tifa was staring at him intently, as if trying to communicate some crucial piece of advice with her eyes.

"Um, what? Is there something on my face?" Sora asked in confusion.

"You just watch yourself, Sora," Tifa advised, glaring at 2B as she left them alone.

Seriously annoyed with the bartender's suspicious glares, 2B solemnly inferred, "You two seem to have a lot of history."

"Tifa? Not much, really. But we have looked out for each other plenty of times." Sora continued, "Anyway, I, uh, don't mean to be a showboat, but I get a lot of compliments on my fighting stance. Some people say it's too slow for offense, but I've always favored long and slow strokes to boost my defense."

"I like the way you put it, Sora," said 2B. "Tell me, does your girlfriend get to see you fight, or do you keep it all private?"

"Alert," the pod said out of the blue. "The human has become flustered."

"What?" Sora gasped with a flattered look. Beaming, he clarified, "Um, no I don't have a girlfriend. Most people assume I don't, which is insulting but still reality."

"Well, Sora, I'm astonished," 2B offered her two cents. "You're a man of class and indomitable will. I bet most girls are intimidated by you."

That's when Sora realized he'd been chatting with the same girl for quite some time. That doesn't normally happen at Tifa's bar, where his only concern is cooling off after a hard day's work. Heck, this sort of thing doesn't normally happen, period.

Now fully aware he'd just been complimented, Sora was almost at a loss for words. "I…really…hope they're just pretending, then."

"Oh, no," 2B flat-out denied. "Most girls can't handle the pressure of standing in a real warrior's shadow."

Becoming his own worst enemy here, Sora continued to play the humble patsy, "Real warrior? Those come a dime a dozen. Me, I'm just an island boy…but, anyway, your turn. Tell me all about your stylish blindfold."

Charmed, 2B took a moment to review her options. As much as she didn't want to reveal her true self, she still felt compelled to deliver some sort of truthful answer. Though her mission was important, sharing something with Sora was taking precedent at the moment. Risking it, she finally conceded, "Well, my blindfold allows me to see things through a more sophisticated lens. Would it freak you out if I told you I got it from a military organization?"

"AH—Nope!" Sora answered hastily, visibly freaked out by the O-word. "I probably get my dry cleaning from the same place!"

And so it happened that 2B lost it from that response; laughing out loud and proud for the whole bar to hear, 2B rocked forward and slapped Sora in the shoulder, squeezing his deltoid because she wanted some muscle-action. However, Sora was mainly perplexed by the reaction he just received, not even sure if it was his doing.

"Um, was it something I said?" Sora asked earnestly.

Still holding her hand on the young stud's shoulder and feeling his pectorals and all that, she gasped before asking, "How did you get to be so…brilliant?"

"Um…next question, please?" Sora replied, noticing how physical things were becoming.

"Okay, then can I tell you a secret, Sora?" 2B asked, lightly caressing the young warrior's thigh.

"Eh-heh-heh, uh, sure!" Sora replied like a halfwit.

While the flustered Keyblader was distracted, 2B muttered, "Do it."

"Preparing to deposit sleeper-solvent," the pod reported, handling a small syringe with its robot arms. Slowly and steadily, the pod hovered high above Sora's drink, holding out the syringe to make the drop.

Leaning in close, 2B whispered in Sora's ear, "I want you _…to go deep inside me, tonight."_

 _Glunk._

"Task completed," said the pod. "Also, the subject is ready to mate."

Somewhat grasping the situation, Sora went wide-eyed and attempted to put the pieces together, "You mean, like a 'deep dive'?"

Somehow stimulated by Sora's borderline clueless response, 2B voiced her amusement with the lad, "Oh, you're naughty. Are you sure you're a good guy, Sora?"

Behold, 2B uncrossed her legs to give Sora a brief view of her undergarment, prompting him to nervously reply, "Um…only if you like good guys."

"Your weapon…do you have it on you?"

"My Keyblade? It's always on me."

"Let me see it."

Pretty much moving on autopilot, Sora whipped out his hand and summoned the Kingdom Key. Seeing as how it flashes every time it appears, the sudden appearance of his weapon drew some attention from the other bar-goers.

"Now that's impressive," said 2B.

"Look at Sora tryna show off!" Yuffie screamed from across the bar, followed by some whooping and whistling. "Take it easy, tiger!"

"Sora's the MAN!" Quasimodo, yes freaking Quasimodo, shouted from a booth seat.

"Guess I've got some fans," Sora inferred, taking a congratulatory swig of his lemonade.

"Alert: target has ingested the—"

" _Yes, I know! Can you shut up, now?"_ 2B whispered-yelled to the side.

"Hey, everything okay?"

"Yes, ahem, so…tell me what kind of girls you like, Sora."

"Oh, you know…girls are girls. I like what I get. Are there any guys you're interested in?"

"Actually, yes. Personally, I like the guys who have a strong sense of right and wrong. Light and darkness are all they ever think about. Not to mention they know how to show a lady a good time."

Pointing at his own face like a dimwit, Sora stated, "No way…that's the stuff I do!"

Meanwhile, Tifa had been watching from afar ever since a Keyblade got drawn. She had grown less suspicious and more impressed with the fact that Sora was able to hold the conversation thus far. He must have been doing something right; the girl had taken off her blindfold, laughed out loud, made him summon his Keyblade, and still hadn't forced him to disappear just yet. They were laughing, touching, drinking, and generally having a good time.

Although Tifa was protective over the young warrior, she didn't want to ruin his chances of getting laid. And even though that strange girl had no-doubt murdered the previous four guys who hit on her, there seemed to be a hint of harmlessness with her being around Sora. Maybe Tifa was overthinking things…

Sora was definitely under-thinking things. Taking another swig of his poisoned lemonade, he joked absentmindedly, "Maybe once I take my deep dive inside you, I can fill you up with my brilliance?"

"Ooh, my hero!" 2B was way too excited for this. "Now that you've got the right idea, why don't you invite me back to your place so we can take that deep dive together?"

On the word 'take,' Sora's vision started to blur; before he knew it, he was seeing two 2B's caressing his arm, and suddenly, everything sounded like he was underwater.

"My place…? Gee, I have been here a while…And I think it's past my bedtime…?" Sora was losing it. "Hey, is it kinda echo-y in here, or is it just me? And everything looks all…"

"Don't worry, Sora," 2B assured. "I'll make sure you make it home safe and sound. Just lead the way."

Totally tweaking from the sleeping drug, Sora cackled a bit before erratically agreeing, "Yes—YES! THAT is what I want to do! Yes…let's gi'goin'!"

Downing the rest of his lemonade, Sora took 2B by the hand, stumbled off the bar stool, and walked in extra goofy fashion towards the exit. That's when the young warrior's fan-club made another attempt at embarrassing him; it started with Prompto and Ignis from Final Fantasy XV kicking off the chant, "So-ra! So-ra! So-ra!"

And then the whole bar joined in on the chant; literally everyone chanted his name, growing louder the closer Sora and 2B neared the tavern's exit. Looking red under the cheeks for more reasons than one, Sora stopped at the exit, waved at everyone with a mindless smile, and shouted, _"Goodnight, everybody!"_

And with that, he and 2B took their leave from the Seventh Heaven to the crowd's thunderous applause.

On the outside, 2B couldn't help but comment, "I get that they were being supportive, but all that just seemed superfluously insulting."

Out of nowhere, Pod 042 rejoined their party, stating, "Humans can be cruel."

"It's like the lost boys said: 'you better let the right one in before twilight breaks dawn,' and _Dracula Untold_ was a good movie too," Sora said this nonsense.

"I see," said 2B. "Where do you live?"

"Destiny Dormitory," Sora slurred. "It's just down this way…"

Suddenly, the tavern doors exploded open, revealing a woozy and stumbling Cid who couldn't stop clutching his skull. Spotting 2B with Sora, Cid screwed up his face in confusion, demanding answers, "What the fuck is going on here? You're leaving with HIM?"

"Get lost," 2B dismissed, following Sora's oblivious lead.

Stumbling after them, Cid begged, "C'mon, baby, I've got brand new satin pillows back at the pad!"

2B sighed. Drawing her sword, the Virtuous Contract, she proceeded to slice Cid in half in one clean, upward strike.

Momentarily trembling, Cid went wide-eyed as his entire form split apart vertically and fell to the ground in two bloody heaps. Both halves of his face uttered, "Man down."

2B whipped the blood off her blade. No longer annoyed, she turned and told Sora, "Problem solved. Now then, you were leading the way."

Sora, on the other hand, was way too high for any of this. Fortunately, that meant he lacked the brainpower to comprehend what just happened. With glazed eyes, he analyzed the situation with fake concern, "Whoa-ho-ho…you totally cut Cid in half. He's gonna be grumpy as _fuck_ tomorrow."

"Let's get moving, Sora."

* * *

 **-X-**

So now Sora, 2B, and the pod were using the elevator to reach Sora's floor. The only problem was the fact that Sora was nearly comatose, causing 2B to prop him up against the wall.

 _Ding._

"Finally," 2B muttered irritably. Glancing at Sora's state of sedation, she cursed, "Damn it. I should have waited to give him the sleeping agent. Now he's mostly dead weight."

Perking up out of nowhere, Sora retorted, "Hey, who you callin' dead weight, gorgeous?"

"Sora, do you have your house keys?" 2B questioned, taking him by the leg and dragging him out of the elevator.

"Who needs a house key…when I've got _this?"_ Sora summoned the Kingdom Key, letting it drag along with the rest of his bodyweight.

Dragging him all the way down to the second-to-last room on the left, 2B propped him up to his feet and commanded, "Open it."

Giving her a blank look, Sora stalled, "Open what?"

Heated, the android samurai clarified, "The door."

"What door?" Sora was visibly enjoying this.

"The door in front of you, idiot!"

Laughing uncontrollably, Sora asked, "How do you open doors, again?"

2B needed a moment to rub her temples. Calmly, she asked herself, "I'm not gonna have to bang this guy in the hallway, am I?"

Holding up his index finger, Sora shed some light on their conundrum, "Confucius says: if one lacks the keys to success, then one must learn to pick locks!"

Sighing, 2B just took the advice. "Guess I'm chopping off a knob, tonight." Equipping herself with her katana, she pushed aside Sora, who fell to the floor. "Move aside, you beautiful dumbass."

Testing the sturdiness of the lever-handle door knob, 2B noticed something odd; the knob was actually turning. Well, that took care of one issue.

Lying down with his hands behind his head, Sora replied, "Oops. Guess I forgot to lock it."

Dragging him inside, 2B smiled and said, "Either way, Sora, good work. You're about to make a strong ally, tonight."

"A-hiyuck," Sora hiyucked. "My friends are my power!"

"I believe you," 2B admitted. "Now, get your ass on that bed."

* * *

 **-X-**

Deep in another part of Square Enix's Headquarters, a loud and proud JPop concert, sponsored by Sega, was being held in the lofty, limitless Concert Hall, which housed thousands of music lovers currently getting their money's worth, courtesy of Hatsune Miku.

Standing somewhere in the back of all the fanatic chaos were Kairi, Riku, Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka. Each held a red cup full of cheap punch as well as a somewhat entertained facial expression.

Yelling over the roaring crowd, Riku asked, "So I don't get it…is she like a hologram, or something?"

Tidus gave his surest answer, "I'm pretty sure she's a robot, dude!"

Wakka also put his two cents in, "I heard she's a Ruby Weapon in disguise!"

"Disguise or no disguise, I bet I could sing better than…whatever she is!" Selphie proclaimed.

"This place is giving me a headache!" Kairi complained.

Whipping out his cell phone, Riku made sure to tell Kairi, "Guess what I'm about to Kweh? 'Headline: Kairi gets headache in a crowd full of bliss.' Now lemme just get your picture…" After snapping a quick shot of Kairi looking annoyed, Riku sent the Kweh and looked proud of himself. "All in a day's work."

* * *

 **A/N:** A review a day keeps the evil spirits away! Unless you like evil spirits, in which case more reviews will bring more to you! (Not really.)

Credit for the cheeky Sora render goes to Otzipai-Art, thanks dude, fuckin A!  
Original cheeky Sora image art/MMD-Final-Sora-Update-DL-379431312


	3. Sora Totally Gets Laid

**Chapter 3: Sora Totally Gets Laid**

Sora's dimly-lit room was an orgy of evidence that a teenager lives there. Empty soda cans, rock band posters, clothes and shoes thrown about, tissue paper strategically placed on the bedside table—these were the essentials. In addition to the sleeping teenager being dumped onto his own bed, there were two uncommon visitors in Sora's room.

"Pod," 2B reported, "the first half of the mission has been completed. Now I need you to walk me through what happens next."

Helpful as ever, Pod 042 replied, "In order to extract the subject's seed, proper stimulation of the genital-region is required. This will entail complete disrobement of the individual's clothing. Then—"

"Okay, okay—slow down," 2B commanded, reaching for Sora's jacket. "This might take some time."

"You could just cut through his clothing," the pod advised.

"That shouldn't…be…necessary!"

Removing Sora's clothing was a struggle to say the least, but one thing 2B did appreciate was his generous use of deodorant. Meanwhile, Pod 042 found it necessary to help out by pulling Sora's shoes off with its mechanical arms. One by one, 2B and Pod 042 stripped Sora down to nothing but his necklace, yanking off his belt, shirt, shorts, socks, and gloves. Once they removed his boxers, 2B couldn't help but pause for dramatic effect.

Pod 042 piped up, "That would be his dick."

"Yeah, I know that!" 2B shot back. "I've just never seen one up close before. Is it supposed to be darker than the rest of him? And what's up with that patch of hair?"

"The male penis is often a source of confusion amongst humans. This male has already entered puberty, signified by the presence of pubic hair and darkened pigmentation. Other commonly used terms for the penis include bird, boner, cock, cock-stick, diznick, fuck-wand, hairy-bone, Johnson, pecker, schlong—"

"Yeah, okay, I get it, pod!" 2B exclaimed, causing Sora to stir in his drug-induced slumber. After Sora went quiet again, 2B exhaled a sigh of relief and said, "Let's get down to business."

Now it was her turn to strip; while she hastily ripped off each article of her flamboyant outfit, she quickly commanded, "Pod, run a final diagnostic to make sure my parts are compatible with Sora's."

"It has already been confirmed. Further diagnostics would be unnecessary."

"Just do it!" 2B whisper-yelled, yanking both her gloves off. "I don't want to end up ripping this guy's 'cock-stick' off if we're not compatible."

The pod hovered directly in front of 2B's bikini-zone. "Running diagnostic…Compatibility for injury-free intercourse is one-hundred percent confirmed."

"Don't get smart," 2B growled, sliding her high-heel boots off. Ditching the pantyhose, she proceeded to shimmy out of her skirt dress. Now standing in only her white lingerie, she told the pod, "I can handle it from here. Go wait in the bathroom and shut up."

Floating over to the bathroom, the pod replied, "As you wish. Commencing voyeurism protocol."

"And turn off your camera!"

"Sorry, didn't hear you…"

Ignoring her pod, 2B turned her attention back to Sora's unconscious form. Hesitantly, she stepped forward and knelt beside his bed, checking out the flaccid manhood before her. Taking a deep breath, she—

"Alert: oral lubrication is strongly recommended."

"I said _shut up, pod!"_ 2B was losing her wits.

Taking another deep breath, 2B removed her underwear and mounted the sleeping teenager. Sitting directly on his pelvis, 2B studied the warmth of his human flesh against that of her synthetic skin, noticing Sora flex visibly. She wasn't expecting this to be so reactive; already, her seat was taking up real estate. For a minute, she just watched him breathe, synchronizing hers to his. Curious, she pressed her hands against Sora's chest, studying the similarities between their soft epidermises. Her eyes widened at the feeling of shared heat, sensing it all through their legs and connected waistlines. Making friction south of the border, 2B reveled in how human she'd become, thanks to Sora. She couldn't explain why she was acting so illogically, and for a moment, she felt remorse for doing this to him.

How could she make it up to him?

Concentrating, 2B resituated herself in the reverse position, scooting backward to gain leverage over Sora's exposed member.

Then, she totally gave head.

Holding back her silver locks of hair, 2B treated Sora like royalty. No fold was left behind as she finessed her canvas, slicking everything that could possibly be labeled as manhood. Before she got carried away, 2B stopped to observe her work, noticing Sora's ding-a-ling looked different than before.

"Whoa—it got huge!" 2B remarked, gripping the base. "Pod, when does the seed come out?"

Speaking through her ear piece, Pod 042 informed her, "Further titillation is required. Be advised: in order to receive the firmware update correctly, the ejaculate must be absorbed within the clitoris."

"Duly noted," 2B replied. Checking on Sora, she found him still sleeping with her ass in his face.

So she kept giving head until Sora hardened enough to go throat-bound. It was at this point 2B noticed Sora's jewels had tightened at the base. Sensing the impending explosion, the silver-haired android halted in her fellatio to exclaim, "Oh, no you don't!"

Sliding her cooch back over Sora's meat-stick, 2B guided his mushroom tip into the base of her walls, finding difficulty in cramming the whole thing inside. Already seeing stars, 2B moaned as she attempted to bounce her way onto Sora's shaft. Realizing what she needed to do, 2B covered her mouth and commenced pushing down with all her might.

She let out a muffled scream from the sweet agony. Slowly but surely, Sora's rod finally made its way inside 2B's sweet walls. The synthetic tissue within 2B was not only welcoming, but courteously accepting to Sora's flesh, intensifying a deep feeling of passion within 2B's programming.

Riding him in the reverse position, she took this moment to lose herself in a brand new experience called "casual sex." She felt completely transformed, making the bed rock while running her hands through her hair; for whatever reason, she yanked off her headband and threw it to the floor.

"Pod," she started, short of breath, "has the subject spent his load, yet?"

"Negative. No seed confirmed."

"Hmph….good."

That's when Sora yawned.

Looking back in anticipation, 2B watched his sleeping form stretch out his arms once before resting his hands along the curves of her hips. Even while unconscious, Sora initiated some much-needed thrusting from the bottom, moving in sync to 2B's rhythm.

Feeling the rush of being in total control, 2B finally realized why human males love this activity so much. Even though she'd only seen a handful of pornos for reference, she may as well have been a goddamned professional the way she threw her head back and started the rodeo.

Sora's hands fell from her hips to the bed; that's when 2B, placed her hands over his for leverage, elevating her knees to get that cowgirl experience. Her temperature rose with each buck and bound, causing sweat to appear all along her back and front.

She felt the penetration go deeper, locking her in a petrified state of imbalanced movements. Randomly, her body started going through reactions, from her curling toes to her tingling spine. While her chest heaved and hips thrusted wildly, her knees buckled before extending either leg. All of this was accompanied by a poorly muffled scream of ecstasy.

Now it was beginning to become too much for 2B; steadily, she halted the hip-thrusts, dismounted, and simply lie on top of Sora, burying her face in his neck.

She exhaled, "That was unreal…"

"Huh…? Wha's goin' on…?"

Judging by Sora's confused words and jerky head movements, 2B inferred Sora was awake. Only now, she simply gave no fucks about it.

Sora didn't know how to begin to describe his current state of what-the-fuck. His head felt like a sandbag, his body was unusually hot, and he could swear he woke up with a naked person lying on top of him. Yeah, that person was still there. In fact…

"…You? The girl from the bar?"

Not even caring that she was busted, 2B's only response was to gaze up into Sora's face and kiss him. Sora was equally accepting of and flabbergasted by said kiss, letting his hands caress her back, which was definitely moist from the sweat.

After the kiss, Sora asked glumly, "Did I miss the deep dive?"

"No." She kissed him again. "You were there."

"Wait…tell me what happened—!"

2B placed a finger over Sora's lips, effectively hushing him. "Just let me take care of you, Sora."

Then, she totally sucked him off. Again.

Pod 042's voice resonated in 2B's earpiece once again, "Alert: the subject is dangerously close to—"

2B promptly removed her earpiece, throwing it atop her stack of clothing.

Meanwhile, Sora couldn't believe what was happening. "Oh-my-God…what is…why the… _oh-fuck!"_

Then, she stopped. Teasing him, she asked, "Did you like that?"

"I don't know how to answer that properly," Sora freely admitted, eyes rolling back.

Behold, 2B allowed passage of Sora's member between her breasts, stroking him with her cleavage while administering T.L.C. to his mushroom tip. That's when she noticed the pre-cum dripping.

Gasping, she asked, "Sora, are you about to come?"

Too zonked out for words, Sora simply nodded like a hand-puppet.

"Do me a favor and hold it," 2B commanded, repositioning her womanhood over his tip once again. This time facing her now-conscious lover for the night, 2B pushed down with slightly more ease than before, delighted by Sora's infinitely amusing facial expression, to say the least.

Once again, Sora and 2B started the sexy time, with the awakened warrior's hands returning to the slender soldier's chiseled hips. Inflamed with pleasure, both lovers closed their eyes and enjoyed the ride…

And then Sora felt his primal instincts kick-in. Slowly entering a threshold of pent-up aggression, Sora found himself lurching up to give it to 2B sitting-missionary-style; using one hand to support her back, Sora stared hard and cold into 2B's surprised eyes before dishing out some serious passion to the girl's neck. This caused 2B to scream louder than she did moments prior, even wrapping her legs around the primal creature's waistline.

And so it happened that they bonded in this position until 2B pulled Sora in for a warm embrace, caressing the back of his head while weeping, "Sora…how?"

Sora whispered back, "Get up."

Throwing his feet over the edge of the bed, Sora allowed 2B to stand up on the floor; Sora maneuvered behind her, bent her over, and played that ass doggy-style. Smacking her cheeks, Sora channeled his inner cowboy by working 2B's lavish derriere with extreme prejudice.

Longer, stronger, and harder than ever before, Sora had become so far from his original self, for a split second, he fretted he'd never be the same again.

Meanwhile, 2B was above and beyond the point of satisfaction. Feeling Sora penetrate deep within her secret place, the silver-haired soldier merely listened to the sound of her cheeks getting slammed from behind.

And she was totally into that shit.

They stopped briefly for a reverse kiss.

Then, they continued pounding skins.

2B leaned back over Sora's shoulder.

Sora claimed a breast.

2B reached back to dig her nails into Sora's hips.

Sora hit it like he couldn't miss.

2B was losing her mind.

Sora was losing his mind.

Right then and there, 2B grabbed Sora's thighs and instantly pushed his whole dick within her sacred walls, practically smothering her G-spot until she squeezed tight enough to make him blow his load deep within.

Mouths were O-shaped; eyes were dinner plates; awesome choices were made; and Sora was frozen in place.

2B's grayish blue eyes glowed suddenly. In an enigmatic tone, she stated, "Initializing firmware update."

Still frozen in place, Sora said in a low voice, "I feel…drained."

Looking over her shoulder, 2B was reminded of that remorseful feeling she had earlier in the night. Unable to leave him looking so pitiful, she held his face in her hands, deeply assuring him, "You're gonna be okay, Sora. Tonight…you were a true warrior, and…God, I think I love you!"

"You…love me, Too-Bee?" Sora repeated in his confusion.

Raising up on her tippy-toes to deliver one more kiss, 2B whispered, "I have to go now. Please, Sora…don't forget about me!"

And with that, she gathered all her clothes in a heap and ran buck-ass-naked out the door.

He couldn't just let her leave. Running after her, he yelled, "Too-Bee! Wait!"

Suddenly, he stopped in the doorway. Coming down the hallway in the opposite direction of 2B was a group of five teenagers freshly zonked out from a J-Pop concert. As 2B streaked past the bewildered group of teenagers, she yelled back at Sora, "You were amazing, Sora! I won't forget about you!"

And there Sora stood, naked and covering his junk in the doorway to his own room, in plain view of his friends from Destiny Islands. And there Sora's friends stood, each one perplexed by this sudden turn of events.

The first to speak was Riku. "HOLY SHIT—!"

The second to speak was Tidus. "YOU LITTLE DEVIL—!"

Third was Wakka. "BROOOOOOOOO!"

Among the three male friends who expressed their pride and excitement, Riku was the first to scurry over to Sora, flailing his arms and screeching, "DUDE, YOU'RE NAKED!"

Wakka was right behind him, hazing the unresponsive Keyblader, "Who said you could get laid, you son of a bastard, you!"

"Sora," Tidus came in, somehow short of breath, "did you hear what that smokin' hot naked chick just said about you?!"

Imitating 2B's voice, Riku replied, _"Ooh, Sora! You were just so amazing! I_ loved _fucking your brains out!"_

Meanwhile, Selphie shouted over the chaos, "Hey, break it up! Give the guy some space, will ya?"

"Sora had a girl over?" Kairi said it aloud to help her believe it. "Wow…Sora really had a girl over…?"

Crowding around Sora in part to hide his nudity and also to absorb juicy details, Riku, Wakka, and Tidus continued to remain the opposite of chill about the situation.

"So how's it feel to not be a virgin anymore, champ?" Riku asked like a news reporter.

Just then, Pod 042 came drifting out Sora's room, notifying everyone, "Mission critical success. You have served Project YoRHa well. Farewell for now."

"The hell?" Tidus asked.

Next, Pod 042 aimed its cannon at the ceiling and shot a beam, creating a sizeable hole to escape through. And escape, it did.

Recalling something, Sora stated, "I remember she said something about making a strong ally out of her. And then I said my friends are my power…"

"Now it's official," Tidus interrupted. "Everyone standing in this hallway has lost their virginities!"

Sighing, Selphie reprimanded the blitzball player, "Tidus, you're being a total moron, right now!"

Finally shaken from his reverie, Sora repeated, "Everyone?"

"Everyone," Tidus assured.

"Even Kairi?" Sora wished he hadn't asked.

"Uh, yeah…about that," Riku started, leaning in close to whisper a crucial piece of information. "Way back when. The night the Heartless hit our island. Kairi let me tap that."

Sora equals shocked.

"RIKU!" Kairi's hearing was better than he remembered. "Why would you tell him that?!"

Riku winced. "Sorry, Sora. We were supposed to take that to our graves, but I figured you were ready to know the truth, now that you're bagging these slut-buckets like a real man."

Lightly punching Riku's shoulder, Wakka scorned, "Hey, no need to be a dick, bro."

Shaking his head, Riku concluded, "Anyway, I hope you're not mad."

Returning to that glazed look in the eyes, Sora shrugged and told everyone, "Look, you've given me a lot to think about on top of what just happened tonight. I've barely got a hold on my aggression issues, I was more-than-likely date-raped, and now I just found out my two best friends have been involved since Kingdom Hearts One. Guys, I need to pop a Seroquel and go to sleep. Goodnight."

And with that, Sora shut the door, popped that little yellow pill, and fell down naked on his bed. This isn't over.

"Yeah, this is far from over."


	4. Walk

**Chapter 4: Walk**

2B meant every word she yelled down that hallway. She barely made it to the elevator, darting inside and sliding to the floor. Hugging her clothes tight, she closed her eyes and pictured Sora's smile. Inevitably, that smile faded into that sad, drained look she left him with.

"What have I done?" 2B buried her face in her clothing.

Suddenly, the elevator stopped at the eighth floor. Vanille, from Final Fantasy XIII, walked in, confirming the first floor was selected. Noticing the nude girl curled up in the corner, Vanille exclaimed, "Oh, my! Who knew it was Naked Day?"

The elevator reached the first floor, opening up to reveal Vanille and 2B, both nude and exiting the elevator. Jumping up and down whilst clinging to 2B's shoulders, Vanille urged, "C'mon! Let's play leapfrog!"

"Please go away," 2B requested, too glum to wield her katana.

Huffing, the pink-haired villager replied, "You're no fun. Oh, well. Better do some cartwheels in traffic."

As the other naked chick did cartwheels out the door, 2B also exited the building, though with far less enthusiasm. Looking up into the night sky, she spotted her pod zipping downward from the top floor, where it presumably blasted a hole.

"Hey, Pod," 2B greeted in a small voice.

"Greetings. Congratulations on your successful endeavor to extract heroic ejaculate." Throwing up its mechanical arms, the little machine admitted, "Now I know what you mean when you say I'm too descriptive."

"It's okay, Pod." 2B shrugged. "Let's just get back to home base."

"Alert: you're still…well, you do know you're naked, right?"

"Oh, right." Suddenly tossing her clothes in the air, 2B jumped like an acrobat, flipping and slipping into every piece of airborne clothing before falling back down, fully clothed and blindfolded. Taking the lead, 2B commanded, "Let's get going."

Pod 042 voiced his astonishment, "The new firmware update suits you well, YoRHa 2, Type B."

* * *

 **-X-**

The concert was sold out and jam-packed; stadium seats were flooded with fans of all ages. This sort of turnout was to be expected when _Sorvana_ came in to town.

Taking the stage, Sora, Stitch, and Genie were ready to rock. Strumming a familiar piece on his guitar, Sora approached the microphone and sang, "Come…as you are…as you were…"

The crowd went nuts from that first lyric, so much so that the girls in the front row exposed their tits to symbolize their appreciation. Sora stopped playing his song and gawked at the tits. Stitch and Genie were annoyed with Sora, the latter of whom teasing, "C'mon, Sora! Ain't ya ever seen D-cups before? Let's rock!"

"Maga-saka, mm-mm, titties!" Stitch added, kissing air and making grabbing motions.

"D-cups? Those are two B's at most," Sora corrected. Suddenly, his voice echoed all around the stage, _"Those are two B's…two-B's…Too-Bees…"_

Sora turned back to the girls, noticing they were all 2B now. In fact, every single person in attendance was now a blindfolded samurai girl, cheering and showing off their chest-bumps.

That's when Sora's fever dream turned into a serious nightmare; every single 2B in attendance drew their katana and rushed the stage, each of them foaming at the mouth. Looking at his bandmates for backup, Sora rejoiced seeing them still with him.

"Oops, drive-gauge just went empty," Genie stated. "See ya, Sora!"

So then Stitch and Genie left Sora there to get hacked to pieces by the topless 2B army, but it wasn't done there. In literal pieces on the ground, the bits of Sora that made his face glanced up and noticed he was in the Secret Place back on their play island.

Suddenly, he turned to see two other people standing whole. It was Riku and Kairi. Now the nightmare was looking more familiar.

"I don't think we should do this anymore, Riku…"

"But you just said you were ready. C'mon, this is normal…"

"I guess…"

Sora shot up from his disturbed slumber. Breathing long and drawn out, he was still speechless from the revelations last night, and that dream of naked samurais certainly didn't help. But the part about Riku and Kairi was the worst. He seriously hoped that was just a detailed machination of his imagination.

Finding his clothes on the floor, Sora silently dressed himself and glanced at the time. It was barely seven in the morning. Good, he could escape the dormitory while everyone was still sleeping in.

After strapping his boots on, he took a moment to breathe out a sigh of fuck-all. So that was sex. He'd grabbed Terra Branford's boob before, and even made out with her at a party once, but as far as getting laid goes, 2B was his first. And it was totally on accident. She wanted something from him the moment they spoke. Whatever it was, she got it and left Sora. He couldn't say he had a lot of feelings for the girl, but there was something noticeably special about their bond at the bar. Thinking back on it, he figured their entire interaction broke those unspoken rules of flirting and hooking up. After all, she had approached _him._

But wait. Sora was the one who spoke up first. Yeah, his pickup line was unorthodox to say the least, but he kept her talking. It turns out, the best way to get laid is to not even try. Who knew?

Right before his memory started getting fuzzy, Sora remembered how he'd made her laugh out loud. And then they started walking back to his place, and he swears he saw Cid get chopped in half. Then, after a walk that involved a few face-plants, Sora remembered waking up with girl on top of him.

Rubbing his eyes, he whined, "Aw…why did it have to feel so soft?"

Something on the floor grabbed his attention. It was a black headband.

"This must be 2B's," Sora observed, placing it on his dresser.

His cellphone buzzed.

"Twenty-nine new followers?" Sora read that twice. "Wait…twenty-nine followers, new ones? These are all people from the bar…"

Sora briefly remembered tons of cheering and chanting. That explains it.

"Wow. This whole time, I thought Quasimodo was already following me."

* * *

 **-X-**

Taking a stroll outside, Sora was having a hard time deciding what to do with his day off. Unable to decide, he settled for walking around Squeenix Headquarters, hoping to be left alone. However, as he neared the Crystal Dynamics subdivision, he quickly realized that wasn't happening.

"Yo, Sora!" Prompto came rushing up on him. "Dude, lemme just see the look on your face!"

Stopping to give a wry smile, Sora greeted, "What's up, Prompto."

"Yeah, you totally got laid," Prompto confirmed, typing away into his cellphone. "I just had to make sure Riku wasn't bullshitting."

"Yeah, uh-huh, thanks for the follow on Kweh."

"No problemo, amigo!" Prompto replied. "So who was that chick?"

Frustrated, Sora responded heatedly, "Look, all I know is that her name is Too-Bee, okay! I don't what she wanted from me or why, but she got it!" Sighing, he admitted, "I don't even know what game she's from."

"Aw…" Prompto was sympathetic. "It's okay, dude. Lotsa fish in the sea. Just learn from it and move on."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Of course, I am. Now, what's your secret to getting hot chicks…like that one?" The blonde royal companion pointed to a certain young lance-wielder out in front of her townhome. It was Fang from Final Fantasy XIII, in the middle of bathing her Chocobo.

Sighing irritably, Sora retorted, "Just mistake her for a man."

As Sora walked off, Prompto snapped his fingers, seeing the genius like a holy light. "Why didn't I think of that? Hey, MAN! BRO, what's your name, DUDE?"

Sora continued walking, drifting past large sections of Squeenix's property. After walking through the Crystal Dynamics neighborhood, he waltzed past the Chinese harbor of United Front Games, slums of Eidos Montréal, tropical metropolis of Avalanche Studios, and finally the shanty-town of Taito Corporation.

All along the way, he kept getting beeps from his cellphone, letting him know someone new had followed him on Kweh. Every now and then, he'd get the occasional call from Riku or Tidus begging him to hang out, but all Sora could say was, "No thanks, I need time to myself."

After his legs were good and worn out, Sora began making his way back to his part of town. He took a shortcut through a neighborhood still under construction, made official by a sign that read, "Coming Soon: PlatinumGames!"

* * *

 **-X-**

By the time Sora returned, it was about as dark as he was exhausted, which was what he had planned. Entering the courtyard, he plopped down on the edge of a fountain and gazed up at the constellations. Every time he saw those stars above, he got this deviant urge to sneak out of Squeenix Headquarters and do some sight-seeing. If he did choose to act on it, it wouldn't be the first time.

"Sora, what are you doing here?"

For once, he heard a voice that didn't make his nerves implode. Looking around the fountain's edge, he spotted the blue-haired woman approaching, alone.

"Oh, just dealing with a boring chapter of my life," Sora answered, unapologetically telling the truth about this chapter. "What about you? I don't think I've ever seen you by yourself."

"Please tell me that was a mean joke," Aqua replied cynically.

"Why would I joke about that?" Sora asked, but soon found the answer. "Well, ya know, I meant besides the whole 'Realm of Darkness' thing."

"Mind if I sit?" she asked.

Sora stupidly replied, "Yeah, sure!"

Confused, Aqua asked, "Wait…you do?"

"Do what?" More confusion.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

"I said, 'Yeah, you can sit.' I don't know what I'm supposed to mind."

"No, smart-aleck, if you mind something—you know what? I'm gonna sit down now." And so, she did.

Sora took note of her casual T-shirt and biker shorts combo, commenting, "You took the night off, too, huh?"

"Yeah," Aqua responded with sigh. "Terra's off trying to win a race in Nintendo. Ventus found a new hobby or something. And all my girlfriends went to the casino, but I stayed because I really hate gambling."

"So instead of winning big bucks, maybe, you're out here talking to me?" Sora jested, "I'd say you broke even."

Aqua chuckled, "Yeah, that's what I'm hoping. So when are you gonna talk about your little hookup last night?"

"What a surprise. You know about it."

"I know everything," Aqua boasted. "Well, except for the real story. Riku and his gang keep hyping it up like you had her screaming your name or something…"

"Well, yeah, that did happen," Sora stated bluntly. "But I bet they didn't tell you I technically got date-raped."

Gasping, Aqua stared deep into Sora's eyes, exclaiming, "You're kidding!"

"Not even. I barely remember walking home with that girl. I just remember waking up with this sweaty naked chick on me, and then it got real crazy after that—I mean, real crazy!"

"Oh, but you wanted it, right?" Aqua asked, angling all her attention towards Sora.

"What? Well, I mean, yeah, I started putting it in and taking it out, if that's what you mean."

Laughing out loud, Aqua replied, "That means you wanted it. What kinda girl drugs a perfectly straight guy to get him into bed? It's bizarre."

"Yeah, she was different," Sora stated candidly. "But, honestly, I wasn't trying to get her into bed when we met. Maybe she sensed that and felt the need to take my freewill out of the equation."

"Yeah, it's possible," Aqua muttered, disbelievingly of that first part.

"I never even asked what game she's from. And she left her headband in my room."

"Like a souvenir. What's her name?"

"She told me 'Too-Bee.'"

"Like 2B, the samurai girl? Her full name's YoRHa No. 2 Type B. I know what game she's from, too."

Staring incredulously, Sora pled, "Really? What game?"

"Some action title called Nier that's not even out yet. Also, don't freak out, but I'm fairly certain that girl is mostly an android."

Tilting his head in confusion, Sora remarked, "I had sex with a robot?"

Nodding her head, Aqua answered, "Seems that way."

"Ah, well. I can't imagine my reputation will take a hit from that fact alone. As of right now, I have…two hundred and thirty-two new followers since last night."

"Wow! Looks like you're blowing up." Remembering something, Aqua whipped out her own phone and said, "That reminds me. Quasimodo sent out an invite over Kupo+."

Sora glanced at the invite. "It's a 'Two-Point-Eight Launch Party'? 'Anyone who's halfway important in the upcoming 2.8 collection is invited at no charge. Come take a scenic boat ride to the Lakefront Resort and party the night away'—what the heck? Is Quasimodo for real?"

"Yep, launch day's in two days," Aqua informed. "I already know—it's a ridiculous excuse to throw a party, but still, Quasi got reservations at the Lakefront Resort. I hear it's a nice place, and I've got nothing going on that night—"

"You want me to come with you, don't you?" Sora interrupted. "Damn. I don't see why not."

Aqua blushed. "I'm not gonna force you to come, Sora. But I will say this, Squeenix authorities won't be watching that party, so if you ever wanted to get drunk, that'd be the night."

"Damn. Way to sweeten the deal."

Shooting up to her feet, Aqua concluded the conversation, "Then it's settled. I'll see you here in two days. Don't be late for the ferry ride, Sora!"

"Heh," Sora grumbled, watching her walk away. Alone again, he stared up into the night sky, listening to the sound of the pouring fountain behind him. He briefly wondered what a lakefront resort is supposed to look like. There was probably a lake of some sort, next to a front…

Sighing, Sora summed up the moral of this story in just one sentence, "I should just stop worrying about the future."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** "Kweher" sounded like "queer," so I changed it to just "Kweh."

Again, this is far from over. Thanks to the crazy direction this story goes, we must conclude this segment and begin anew in the "Game X-overs" section. People from Capcom, Konami, Marvel, and Naughty Dog get in on the action. Do you know what that means? That means **Sora Must Die!**


	5. Who Does Sora Love?

**A/N:** You guys are too nice to this story. Here's a bonus chapter with bonus sexy time.

 **Bonus Chapter 5: Who Does Sora Love?**

This was his decision. He wouldn't worry about the future. But alas, the past has a way of sneaking up on Sora.

Checking over his shoulder, Sora made sure nothing was _actually_ sneaking up on him.

Of course, it was getting late, and even though Aqua had long since taken her leave from the fountain plaza, Sora was still hanging back and absorbing the ambiance. For some reason, he just needed someone else to talk to. However, he was running low on dialogue partner options, so he projected his voice in an effort to telepathically call upon the great, the fearsome, the one and only…

"Roxas, I haven't been completely honest with this whole virginity-thing."

Silence.

Sora sighed. "Well, if we go off of technicalities, then yeah. Too-Bee was my first time."

More silence. At least the fountain remained responsive.

"The technicality? Let's just say it was a method…that involved restoring something _._ Something that makes me who I am. Because well…for a while, you know, in between all those Kingdom Hearts spinoffs, I was a completely different Sora. Not the one everyone thinks they know. I was…"

Sora polluted the air with yet another sigh. "There was a time after we became self-aware that I could no longer use the Keyblade."

* * *

 **-X-**

The crisis Sora was describing was different from that unruly time in Hollow Bastion, where he was forced to use a wooden sword whilst formulating team-attacks with the wounded but feral Beast. Furthermore, the event that destroyed Data Sora's Keyblade was somehow less chaotic than this _other_ repressed affair. No, this particular instance of Sora's loss of the Keyblade was strictly confidential, strictly non-commercial, and strictly non-cannon.

 _This_ was after the main cast of Kingdom Hearts became self-aware.

Without revealing too many (confusing) secrets, we'll simply describe this affair of being self-aware as a "life-changing experience" for Sora, Riku, Kairi, Donald, Goofy, and Mickey (and most likely more people). There they were, celebrating in the shallows just beyond the beach; Sora had just intercepted an exuberant Donald and Goofy into his arms; Riku had finally let a light shine within his heart, taking His Majesty up for a piggyback ride; and so it happened, Kairi and Sora shared their reunion with the return of the lucky charm, gazing into each other's souls with proper relief. The battle was over, and in that moment, the intertwined youngsters could, without a doubt, feel the presence of Roxas and Naminé. Goosebumps dotted each face, perhaps triggered by an otherwise undetectable burst of light.

"We-We're back!" Sora could hardly believe it.

Kairi made her declaration clear. "You're home."

And then they totally became self-aware—look, it doesn't matter how it happened, okay? An extremely jarring and life-altering process took place that left the main heroes displaced from their home, and somehow transported to the world Square Enix Headquarters, where stuff…happened—again, it's not important. At least not for now.

Sora, Riku, and Kairi return to their home again to let that "We got a message from Mickey" scene play out. Fast forward an indeterminate amount of years, and Kingdom Hearts One and II are finally becoming a hit videogame series, starring Sora and the usual suspects. Still with me? Hello…?

Any-who, over the course of those mystery years, Sora and the gang became deeply acquainted with the citizens of Square Enix. Seriously, are you still there?

Let's get to the point. While Kingdom Hearts III was being forgotten about by the game developers, Sora became enamored with a certain girl named Terra Branford. They didn't have much in common, but after being introduced to each other with the help of Kuja (of Final Fantasy IX fame), Sora and Terra started actively "dating."

Being the main protagonist of her very own Final Fantasy game, Terra unknowingly inducted Sora into an upper echelon of popularity due to their relationship going public. Now hanging with a crowd of people centric to the Final Fantasy clique, Sora became less connected with his old friends, Riku and Kairi, though he stayed in touch with Donald and Goofy. Perhaps it was his overbearing girlfriend or maybe even the toxic atmosphere of Sora's new circle that kept Riku and Kairi at bay.

Speaking of those two, due to certain non-cannon events that took place prior to their "awareness awakening," Riku and Kairi continued to see less of each other, aiding in an acute sense of awkwardness in the years that followed.

While Sora was just discovering his horny teenaged hormones with Terra Branford, Riku was undergoing a phase of hopelessness as he felt he'd permanently screwed up his friendship with his two friends. Kairi, still keeping her sexual encounter with Riku a secret from Sora, started becoming a bookworm to fill in the empty space.

And so, Sora continued to be blissfully unaware of his two best friends' secrecy, a hidden truth that dared to ruin Riku's confidence as well as Kairi's composure.

* * *

 **-X-**

"So, Sora," Tidus had started up one day, sitting across from Sora and Terra at a table. Currently enjoying a lunchtime meal with his fellow Squeenix heroes, Tidus asked out of the blue, "Have you and Terra had sex yet?"

"Uh, what?" was all Sora could say. Already, he could feel Terra blushing beside him, and knowing her, she already had something loaded in the barrel.

"Not cool, Tidus. Mind your business!" Terra commanded sharply.

"Guess that means no," Tidus quickly analyzed.

"Why's it matter?" Sora asked with a frown. "We're not trying to rush things. We're not like you."

"You don't think it's weird to go six months without smacking it out at least once?" Tidus asked.

Also sitting at the table, Bartz jumped in, "Yeah, that is pretty weird, man. Unless you're getting tail from somewhere else?"

Teeter-tottering on boiling rage and mortification, Sora fired back, "Shut up, Bartz! It's not even like that—besides, who in their right mind still uses the word 'tail'?"

Shrugging, Bartz replied, "Fine. How 'bout 'pussy,' pussy? When are you gonna ask Terra to tap that?"

"Bartz!" Terra was losing her patience.

"Yeah, Sora," now the Onion Knight was teasing them. "When you gonna be a man and slay that kitty-cat?"

"Dude, you're like, eight," Sora retorted.

"Hey, hey, hey," Tidus suddenly interjected. "If Sora wants to wait for it, don't bug him about it. But still…no way he's the only one looking at Terra."

Terra stood up with a scoff. "O.K., that's enough. C'mon, Sora—we don't have to put up with this."

"It wouldn't kill you guys to be classy every now and then," Sora stated, following Terra's lead.

* * *

 **-X-**

About five minutes later, Sora and Terra had fallen into their usual routine of viciously sucking faces with each other, all in broad daylight. They at least tried to be discreet, opting to make out on a low-traffic staircase outside the Squeenix-owned Dining Hall.

Something about kissing a girl in public threw Sora in ecstasy. Neither teenager cared who saw them do it (though Terra was eighteen at the time, so technically also an adult). It was just the way they preferred to spend their days off from work.

Noticing Sora's smooch game was straggling a bit, Terra rubbed his chest and asked, "What's wrong, babe?"

Looking off to the side, Sora hesitantly replied, "I get the feeling those idiots were asking for a fight."

"I told you not to worry about them." Planting devious kiss after kiss on the troubled boy's distracted lips, Terra insisted, "Just let me show you how wrong they were…for pissing you off."

Kissing her neck with vampire-approved sensuality, Sora said in a muffled voice, "I love you, babe…"

Terra's eyes bulged. Astonished, she remarked, "Babe, that's the first time you've ever said that to me. And meant it!"

Sheepishly rubbing the back of his hormone-filled skull, Sora attempted to play off his muffled reveal, "Really? I could swear I said that yesterday…?"

"Not like that," Terra observed. "See? I knew you'd fall for me."

"Like I ever had a doubt." Sora's mind was on autopilot. He thought nothing of Kingdom Hearts III, just his exciting new life at Square Enix Headquarters.

Just then, Tidus and the rest of the clique walked by, the leader of whom yelling, "Seriously, get a room! We're begging you to bang her, bro!"

That's when Sora went into attack mode. Slowly turning to scowl at Tidus, Sora threatened him, "How 'bout I come bang _you_ , dickhead?"

"Sora, stop it," Terra warned, squeezing his arm.

"Are you saying that because you like to bang dickheads, or because you're super gay?" Tidus, ever the clever one, responded, ensuring top-dog status within his posse.

"That's it, time to put you in your place!" Sora exclaimed, donning his war face. Ready to brawl, he snapped into his battle stance, summoning his trusty weapon, the great and powerful pocket of air. Wait a minute… "Huh?"

Flicking his wrist again, Sora gasped at the unwelcome absence of his Kingdom Key.

"Smatter? Got stage fright?" Tidus seemed genuinely concerned.

Sora clenched his fists. He had a decision to make and not enough patience to dwell on the choices; he could either stand his ground with Terra, or—

"Get bent, you pompous sonuva bitch!" Sora charged on Tidus, initiating a three-on-one street brawl just outside the Dining Hall.

Needless to say, Sora got fucked up, but he still got a few good licks in, swinging the Onion Knight like a human lance to knock Tidus down and then suplexing Bartz.

"That was a nice suplex, Sora," Terra remarked while Sora walked off a few aches and pains.

Sora was still lingering in confusion about his missing Keyblade. The weapon was magic and supposed to appear whenever he called it, yet somehow it played hooky. The last time he used it was about a week ago during a training exercise with Cloud and Squall.

He tried to summon it again. Why wasn't it working?

* * *

 **-X-**

Two months passed by, and still no Keyblade. Sora thought about going up to the Square Enix officials to fix this problem, but he was honestly too embarrassed to tell anyone. Meanwhile, Sora and Donald went on a cruise around Square Enix Headquarters one night. Not-so-recently, Sora and Terra had broken up over some drama with her cheating. Sora really thought he loved her.

Donald passed Sora a small stick-like object with Green Herbs from Resident Evil wrapped tightly within it. This stick-like object with Green Herbs wrapped inside was apparently lit and causing the whole interior of Sora's gummi ship to become very smoky. So, yeah, they were totally smoking herbs. (Holy crap are you still with me?)

They had moved their seats to line up right next to each other, making it easier to pass the blunt. After taking a puff, Sora stated out of nowhere, "So Terra texted me about fifteen minutes ago. Should I respond?"

Donald scoffed. "Pfft! Who needs her? But yeah, see what she said."

Sora pulled out his phone. "Just says 'Hey.'"

"How many Y's at the end of 'hey?'"

"Just one."

"Ah…man, that sucks. See if she just wants to waste your time."

"Tch, probably," Sora grunted back. He typed, _"How are ya"_

After a few seconds, he got another message from her. It read, _"Thinking about you"_

"Wow. She says she's thinking about me." Sora didn't sound excited.

"Oh, well that's good at least," Donald said with a shrug. "Better she thinks about you than someone else!"

"Yeah, no kidding. I'm writing that down, by the way." Sora typed, _"Better you think about me than someone else :P"_

His phone beeped again. It read, _"I miss how possessive you are_ _"_

Once again, Sora relayed the message to Donald, who was acting as his personal wingman for the night.

"Ask her if she's at home," Donald quacked with a sneaky look. "She might be trying to knock boots with ya."

And so, it happened that Terra replied to Sora's inquiry with a message reading, " _At the Chibi house babysitting little Chibis. I think the kids just went to sleep…"_

Donald gasped and gaped at the message. Looking at Sora with a look of astonishment, he plainly stated, "She wants to bang."

"Really?" clueless Sora is clueless.

Donald had long since taken the phone to help Sora keep focused on the road. He urged, "Quick, Sora! What do ya wanna say?"

"I don't know…should I say, 'Let's fuck?'"

"Something like that…here, I'll help you out," Donald stated, typing away on Sora's phone.

"Well…what did you say?" Sora asked in suspense.

"I said, ' _Let's make use of the opportunity. Mind if I come over?'"_

Sora's phone beeped yet again. And yet again, Donald gasped. He said, "Yep, you're gettin' laid, tonight."

Sora wasted no time getting the address and hitting the turbos.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Welp, good luck!" Donald said.

The gummi ship was parked outside the Chibi house. Sora had popped the bubble helm and was ready to go. However, before hopping out, Sora just realized something. "Crap. I don't have any condoms!"

"Too late now! Get going, Sora!"

"Whatever."

Sora's busy feet carried him all the way over to house's front door. He dared to knock softly, knowing those kids absolutely needed to stay asleep by any means.

Terra answered the door wearing family-friendly pajamas. Sora was already turned on.

"Sup, gorgeous," was Sora's cheeky greeting.

"Hey, sexy," was Terra's equally cheeky hello.

And so, they kissed, entering the lowly-lit home and closing the door behind them. While making out with his sorceress girlfriend, Sora accidently bumped into the coffee table, creating a mild ruckus.

"Oh, crap. Where are the kids?"

"They're upstairs, sleeping. I've got the TV on so they don't hear us."

They continued kissing, removing each other's clothing one piece at a time. Finally, he got Terra in a vulnerable state. He said, "You look hot tonight."

Terra thanked him and reached into his pants, massaging it in both hands. Sora helped by sliding out his loose boxers and moving to the couch. A couple minutes later, he was hitting it missionary and already sweating. Seriously, he couldn't believe he was losing his virginity to a Final Fantasy character.

Before he got the hang of things, he and Terra switched to the floor, opting for the naked sorceress to ride on top. Sora could barely handle himself, but with the help of some ads on the TV screen, he was able to endure the sexy struggle. Also, seeing Terra's exposed form up close and grinding upon his pelvis may have caused him to go slightly braindead.

* * *

 **-X-**

Back in present day, Sora continued to speak aloud, "The last thing we tried was doggystyle, but I swear I could not handle that—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" came Roxas' voice, somewhat startling Sora. "Are you telling me a sex-story right now?"

Sora chuckled. "Nice of you to join me, and yes, I was."

"Okay…start over. From the beginning." Roxas seemed pretty serious.

Sora sighed. "Look, I fell in love with Terra Branford from Final Fantasy VI, and I think that's what caused me to lose the Keyblade all those years ago."

"Wait, you lost the Keyblade? How'd you get it back, and why didn't I know about this?"

"I kept it a secret from basically everyone. As for how I got it back, I had Santa Claus perform a ritual to restore something."

Roxas laughed out loud. Noticing Sora wasn't laughing with him, he stopped and said, "Wait, you were serious just now?"

"Yeah. I'd went to some of the Squeenix game devs for help, and all they told me was that I needed to get re-sanctified for the Kingdom Key. They made it sound like I was tainted by darkness, and maybe I was. But ever since that ritual, I've never lost the Keyblade again."

"Great story, Sora," Roxas quipped, "but can you describe that 'doggystyle' part of it again?"

"Wait, which time? I did it to another girl before I got restored."

"Sora, have you only had sex with two girls?" Roxas asked out of the blue.

"No way, man! It's totally three after last night."

Roxas scoffed. "Well, tell me about those other times, not your amateur tryout with Terra B."

Finally, Sora stood up from the fountain's edge. And so, he replied, "I'll save that for another time. Good talking with you, Roxas."

"Aw, you prick—!" was all Sora heard before telepathically hanging up the line.

Just then, he got a telepathic call from Roxas.

"What?"

"I had a threeway with Naminé and Axel, so your story better be good," Roxas said before hanging up.

"What a prick," said Sora.

"I heard that," said Roxas.

"Oh. You're a prick."

"Go fuck yourself."

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"You fucking dumbass, that doesn't make any…oh, he hung up. Fuckin' prick."

"I heard that, dick-face," said Sora. And this went on for quite some time.


	6. The Two-Point-Eight Launch Party, pt 1

**Bonus Chapter 6: The Two-Point-Eight Launch Party, pt. 1**

Sora needed to prepare for the party, so he invoked Roxas' attention to help pass the time.

"Yeah, so I might've shot my load a little early, but I still did some serious damage in that poon-tang," Roxas said that—

"Serious damage?" Sora repeated, cackling at the sound of Roxas boosting himself.

Roxas replied telepathically, "Okay, some moderate damage. Decent damage—look whatever, but after that, I rightfully decided to end the three-way right then and there."

"You ended it?" Sora asked, simultaneously spritzing the helm of his Gummi ship with Windex (or something).

The Key-wielding Nobody replied, "Hell yeah, I ended it. There's no way, I'm gonna sit back and let Axel go one-on-one with Naminé while I'm mopping up my own jizz, trying to get hard again. This did, of course, cause an argument, 'cuz Axel wanted to keep fucking my girl—"

"Wait a minute—you jizzed on the floor?" Sora asked incredulously, wiping smudges off the windshield.

"Well, I didn't have a condom on, and you know Square would kill me if I got Naminé preggers."

"Right-right—wait, so how and why did you agree to this in the first place?"

Roxas took a deep breath, sipping a smoothie on the other end. "Okay. So, Naminé went through my search history and found out I have a thing for gangbangs, and I thought I was dead when she saw that. But it turns out, she kinda likes the idea of being fucked by multiple guys, or at least that's what she admitted to my face. And then we started talking, and suddenly, we're scrolling through our contacts list, looking for guys who might be down to get in on the action."

"So why didn't you call me?" Sora asked with a cheeky smirk.

"Because fuck you, Sora, that's why," Roxas retorted.

"Wait…you saying you wanna fuck me, or…?"

"Moving. On!" Roxas went into further detail on how he and Naminé set up a date with a third wheel on the bang-train, Axel to be specific. "Then, Naminé started getting nervous about the whole thing, so I suggested, rather tactfully I might add, that we start off small with just one other guy. Naturally, we agreed on Axel."

"You mean 'Lea'," Sora corrected.

"Right, whatever—so, the next day we baited him with some sea-salt ice cream, and he came over no problem. Then, I got Naminé to hide out in the bedroom while I told Axel the real reason we invited him over. You should've seen the look on his face! He was all like, 'Roxas, you smokin' the drugs or somethin'?' And I was all like, 'Maybe. Wanna help me gangbang my girlfriend, or what?'"

Sora wiped the sweat from his brow, taking a deep breath of Squeenix HQ's fresh air. He commented, "Wow. So, you did that…just to spice up your sex-life?"

"Yep!"

"Good stuff. So what did Axel say?"

"First, he needed some time to think it over, and I felt kinda bad for springing it on him outta the blue. But then, he gives me this crazy look before asking if we were gonna use condoms. I said I wasn't, and he said wanted to, just in case."

"That escalated—"

"And just like that, we walk in the bedroom, and Naminé already knows what's up. Skip ahead a few minutes, and we are working like a well-oiled machine!"

"Good to know. Tell me again how you busted your nut too quickly and basically called off the whole show?"

"You know what? Fuck you, prick, it's your turn to tell your story, and it better be embarrassing."

"Not quite. It's more of a story about my downfall."

"Oh. Sounds sexy."

 **-X-**

* * *

" _Well, Terra B. and I continued to fall out, so we stopped seeing each other. And that's when I noticed something different about myself. I just didn't care…about…well, anything except girls. I even stopped worrying about how to get back the Keyblade. I think I was losing myself._

" _And that's not to say I was becoming a ladies' man because I got rejected left and right before finally getting laid again."_

Years ago, Sora worked in Squeenix HQ's universally famous Square Hotel as a food and beverage server. This was a simple job, and Sora liked working there, especially since he got to be with other Squeenix Videogame Superstars, such as Lara Croft, Agent 47, and even Squall (or Leon). And every now and then, the managers at Square Hotel would send Sora (along with another coworker) in his Gummi ship to other worlds to pick up or drop off inventory from other hotel brands (sharing is caring). Sora especially loved this part of the job. Freedom was oh so sweet.

One day, he'd been sent to Capcom World to stock up on sports drinks, and while there, he met a girl. Her name was Sakura. They had become acquainted through one of Sora's coworkers, Hope from Final Fantasy XIII.

Sora didn't know much about her, except that she used to work at one of Capcom's hotel chains. Hope had been good friends with Sakura, often hinting at something more between them. However, all Sora saw at the time was fresh meat.

She'd been wearing a school uniform with a blue dress, and strangely enough, red sparring gloves.

 **-X-**

* * *

It was late at night. Their shift at Square Hotel was just ending.

"Hey, call up that girl," Sora urged for the fifth time. "Tell her you wanna hang out."

Hope chuckled at Sora's eagerness. "Wow, you must really wanna talk to her."

"Something like that," said the key-less key bearer.

Hope reclined in his chair at Square Hotel's front desk. Pompously, he stated, "Well, don't get your hopes up. I've been trying to crack that shell for months, but it seems like she only has a thing for this Ryu-guy."

Speeding things along, Sora said, "Right, right, right—does she have any friends? You know, to hang out with us too?"

"Hold on, she just texted me back. Hey…looks like she wants to hang out."

"Nice," Sora smoldered. "Tell her we'll be there at eleven! Or…does she do military time? You know what? Doesn't matter—!"

"Slow down, cowboy. She just said she'll come to us. She's bringing her friend, too."

 **-X-**

* * *

Fast-forward one brief lull, and Sora and Hope were chillaxing with Sakura and her close friend, Ibuki, in the hotel's luxurious lobby. Sora had been perfecting his cool-guy routine; he opted to speak in deep baritones, pay a minimal amount of attention to the girls themselves, and crack only the most mature of jokes.

After a while, Sora and Sakura managed to bond over the fact that they both know people named Kairi. They even shared internet memes and talked about the woes of working for large corporations. And suddenly, there came a magical moment where they both put down their phones and stared into each other's eyes.

Meanwhile, Hope and Ibuki had both been forgotten by Sora and Sakura.

However, the night had ended on a friendly note, with Sora and Sakura exchanging phone numbers.

 **-X-**

* * *

Three days later, Sora was no longer even thinking about his missing Keyblade. Nothing but the acquisition of _ass_ was on his brain. That's why he snuck all the way over to Capcom in his Gummi ship, picked up Sakura, who was also sneaking out, and flew back to Square Hotel for a much-needed fuck-sesh.

With the benefit of working there, Sora swiped a key for a free room and led Sakura to the second floor. After finding their room, he ushered her inside.

Sora had been (scarcely) bulking up since he lost the Keyblade, meaning he had the raw strength to carry Sakura's slender form over to the bed where they made out like passionate lovers.

Sora hardly even knew this girl, and he was already rounding first base. He couldn't believe he actually forgot what this feels like. Kissing. Caressing. It was all so electric. Something pretty dope got released in his brain, telling him to start undressing anything with clothes on. He helped remove her shirt—no bra. He slid off her skirt—no panties, either.

Sakura's body was slender; her breasts were, like, way bigger than he imagined. And he swore he saw his name printed on those hips.

That's when Sora paused. Something about this small-framed girl reminded him of a certain someone…. Perhaps it was the short hair?

Never mind, he had a job to do.

He wasted no time in stripping down to nothing. She got on top, but there was a problem, a rather confidence-boosting problem: Sora's mushroom tip couldn't fit inside. As hard as she pushed down, and as hard as he…well, stayed hard, Sora's junk and Sakura's junk were simply refusing mesh.

Before they called it quits, Sora got a brilliant idea; he went down on her. All the way down. Utilizing his tongue like a serpentine explorer, the key-less key bearer listened to Sakura moan and twist around with every letter he articulated.

Now that she was finally ready to receive the man of the hour, Sora placed her on top and—

"Oh…! Oh, God! AUGH!"

"Ssss…yeah, baby."

"…ooooooh!"

"Yeah, right there!" said Sora before pushing it all the way in. (He wasn't at one hundred percent yet.)

"AAAAAAH! AHAAA! AAAH!"

Sora really hoped these rooms were sound proof.

She needed a break; lying next to him, she gave a kiss-bite to his neck, this time causing him to scream.

They laughed it off and continued freely fucking. Almost like she read his mind, Sakura turned around and started riding him in the reverse position. Sora thought, _Whoa. Her butt's way nicer than I thought._

Just then, he almost came. He sat up and gripped her tits, slowing down her bounce. Then, he got another bright idea.

"I should put a condom on…"

Reaching into his discarded pants' pocket, he pulled out the contraceptive and applied it to himself. After rolling that sucker down, he immediately got back to business, also noticing things just weren't the same anymore.

And so, it came to pass after Sakura needed another break from dick-riding, that Sora discarded the condom.

She seemed to not notice, or she just didn't care. Either way, they ended up making out again, hot, sweaty, and causing a ton of friction.

This time, Sora got on top, hitting it missionary like a fucking pro. He hit it from the front, from the side, the other side—he could get used to this.

Sakura's incessant screaming reminded Sora of something. When they were hanging out three days ago, he remembered her mentioning something about being a virgin. He also remembered laughing that off like it wasn't true. Now, he wasn't so sure…

Anyway, his phone started ringing. Turning around, he saw that it was Hope calling him, so he righteously ignored it.

Of course, Sora had to practice his backstroke; turning Sakura around, he initiated the style of doggy, confronting a delicate uphill struggle within those sweet walls. Sakura didn't immediately put an arch in her back, so he helped her out with his own eager palms.

Hope called again. Once more, the phone went unanswered.

Just then, Sora started thinking about that certain someone again. Aaaaaand, he almost came again.

After catching his breath, he started hitting Sakura's supple derriere like he really meant it. Internally dealing with greed, Sora wondered if she ever tried anal…

That's when Sakura's phone rang; it was her mother. Out of respect, Sora began stroking at a lighter pace. Sakura answered it in a natural voice, doing her best to hide her nerves. After a short conversation, she turned around and told Sora she needed to return home. While the key-less key bearer attempted to keep stroking, Sakura insisted they leave ASAP, due to her mother sounding angry.

And so, the sexy time ended without a dramatic finisher. Noticeably winded, Sora decided to cut his losses: he didn't get to blast his load, nor did he get his dick sucked. Sighing, he made plans to eliminate the inevitable blue-balls later.

 **-X-**

* * *

"Anyway, I took her home and haven't heard from her since," Sora wrapped up his story. "I tried hitting her up again, but she seemed to move on. Really hurt my confidence."

Roxas surmised, "So, you took off the condom and didn't get her pregnant. That's always a win-win."

"Yeah, I guess…but that was about three years ago. Gettin' laid just hasn't been easy for me."

"Until two nights ago," Roxas pointed out. "Didn't that android girl drag you back to your place and fuck you 'til you were unconscious?"

"No, I was already unconscious," Sora corrected. Having successfully washed his Gummi ship, he decided to test out a new feature. Opening a radar on his ship's keys, he initiated a custom mode that allowed him to control his ship remotely.

"Hey, aren't you going to that Two-Point-Eight Launch Party tomorrow?" Roxas asked. "Maybe there'll be more chances to get your tip licked, you know, if you play your cards right."

"That's not who I am anymore. It never really was. Ever since I got the Keyblade back, I swore to never be a womanizer again. I don't know, I'm just way more comfortable keeping it in my pants."

"You do you, my friend. Hey, did you ever get that Remote Drive thing working on the _Highwind_?"

Nodding, Sora stated, "I'm testing it out right now!"

Hitting a touchscreen button on his radar, Sora's ship roared to life. Standing on the outside of the _Highwind_ , he started finicking with the steering and acceleration controls. Able to move around, Sora cheered, "Awesome! It works!"

"Good stuff. The reason why I brought it up is 'cuz I figured you could use that Remote Drive thing to show off at the party tomorrow. Girls love a guy with sweet gadgets."

"Oh—?"

"Yeah, one time, I came home with a sea salt ice cream machine, and Naminé practically treated me like royalty."

"Whatever that means…. Hey, why don't you and Naminé come to the party with me?"

"Eh, parties aren't my thing. Besides, I'm watching the blitzball game with Hayner and Pence."

"Okay…well, have fun with that."

 **-X-**

* * *

The next day came upon the citizens of Squeenix HQ, bringing in warm temperatures for a January day. Kingdom Hearts 2.8 launched to critical acclaim, or at least that's what the game devs Kwehed. The ferry didn't leave until ten o'clock, so Sora spent most of the day sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping. When the time finally came, he threw on his Kingdom Hearts III outfit and migrated to the fountain area in front of Destiny Dormitory, expecting to see Aqua there.

Not only was she there, but a small crowd of people accompanied her. These included, Mickey, Minnie, Quasimodo, Esmeralda, Neku, Shiki, Sam, Quorra, and Jiminy Cricket.

"Is this everyone?" Sora asked.

Quasi replied, "If no one else shows up in the next two minutes, then yup."

Jiminy surmised, "Looks like it's gonna be a lo-fi get-together."

Placing his arms behind his head, Sora smiled and said, "I'm okay with that."

Aqua admitted, "Large crowds make me nervous, anyway."

Speaking of Aqua, Sora noticed she was wearing an alternate outfit than her usual getup. Rocking a green Moogle hoodie, bike shorts, and sandals, Aqua's attire was pleasing to Sora's eyes. He forgot how long her legs were.

"Lookin' sharp, Sora!" Mickey complimented.

"Right back at ya. I can't wait to see this Lakefront Resort Aqua's been talking about."

"I call dibs in the Jacuzzi," Neku bid.

"It should be big enough for everyone, Neku," Shiki responded.

"Not the way I use it."

Quasi brought up, "I hope you guys brought something to gamble with. There's supposed to a pool table there, too."

Minnie Mouse shook her head, saying, "You know I don't approve of gambling. And everyone knows you're a pool shark, Quasimodo."

"You don't have to bring cash!" Giving Esmeralda a sly smirk, he added, "We can always play strip-billiards."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen," Aqua admonished. Then, she turned to Sora and asked, "Did you invite anyone else?"

"Yeah, Roxas, but he's watching the game. Didn't you invite Terra and Ven?"

"Terra's still kart racing in another world. As for Ven, I've got no clue what he's up to these days."

Sora said without thinking, "At least you and I can hang out…"

Aqua looked him up and down, suspicious of the mature lad's intentions. Still, she said, "Sure thing. Besides, you and I work really hard, we deserve this party…"

She had a point. Between the two of them, being the main protagonists was hard work. It wasn't enough to be a playable character—you also had to be everyone's favorite character, and so far, Sora and Aqua were the two most popular leads.

Sora agreed, "I guess it would be nice to take a break from hacking and slashing."

Checking his watch, Quasimodo announced, "Okey-dokie, people, let's move out!"

Collectively, the small gathering walked to the docks, where a mid-sized yacht awaited them. Quasi bragged about how the game devs awarded him the keys to the boat, patting himself on the back for also scoring a trip to the Lakefront Resort.

Leaning on the yacht's railing, Sora took in the night breeze, reflecting on his night with 2B. He wanted to see her again, ask her why she chose him. There were just too many missing pieces. What was up with that blindfold? Why did a smaller robot follow her around? Why did she say she might love him? And he could swear he saw Cid get chopped in half.

Someone lightly bumped his shoulder.

It was Aqua; she asked, "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Oh, nothing…just…parties kinda make me nervous."

"Same. I hope you're not still thinking about that android girl."

Sora laughed. He couldn't hide it. "She's still on my mind."

"That's fair." Aqua shrugged. "She did date-rape you, after all."

Sora quipped, "Well, I wouldn't call it a date-rape, seeing as how I woke up and finished the job. Man, that was crazy."

Just then, Sora could sense Aqua's shoulders deflate. She wasn't getting jealous, was she?

"Well, the purpose of this party is to help forget our troubles," the blue-haired girl stated.

"Right, troubles," Sora mocked the idea.

Cocking her head sideways, Aqua clumsily suggested, "Maybe you should've invited 2B to the party!"

"I wouldn't know where to find her," Sora said, once again not thinking.

"Hmph. You'll get what you're looking for." And with that, Aqua withdrew from the conversation.

Sora gave the girl's departing figure a sidelong stare. "Well, she's acting weird."

At long last, the Lakefront Resort came into view. Sitting across the lake was a decent-sized cottage connected to a dock, complete with solar panels and a lakeside pool. While everyone oo'd and aw'd, Sora was trapped in his own world, still trying to picture 2B's eyes. And nipples.

"We have arrived!" Quasi cheered, pulling up next to the dock. "Everybody out! And don't hog all the cognac!"

That's when King Mickey approached Sora, breaking him out of his reverie. Nudging his fellow comrade of light, Mickey whispered, "Hey, Sora. Don't tell anyone I got ya this, but…"

Behold, the mouse king extracted a bottle of Exdeath Whiskey from his jacket pocket. Astonished, Sora muttered, "What the—? Are you kidding, your majesty?"

"You deserve it, kiddo. I say we've worked hard enough to get weird tonight!"

"Agreed!" Taking the glass bottle, he winked and said, "I'm not even gonna mix this."


	7. The Two-Point-Eight Launch Party, pt 2

**Bonus Chapter 7: The Two-Point-Eight Launch Party, pt. 2**

Sora stepped down on the dock, finally taking in the luxurious Lakefront Resort. Seeing it at nighttime made him want to check it out in the daylight. Smiling, he admitted, "I could get used to partying here."

Neku was the first to strip down to his boxers, jumping in the jacuzzi without hesitation. Activating the bubbles, he shrieked, "Oh, yeah! This is just what I needed!"

Soon after, Shiki joined him, followed by Flynn and Quorra. Quasi, carrying a sizeable ice cooler, urged, "We got drinks on deck, guys! Help yourselves."

Jiminy asked, "Got any Beetlejuice cocktails?"

"Uh…" Quasi thought about it. "There's…orange juice."

Sora chuckled to himself, looking for a spot to relax. However, before he selected a beach chair, Aqua rushed him from the side, interrogating, "Whoa, where'd you get that bottle?"

Indeed, he was making no effort to conceal Mickey's gift. Briefly stumbling with his words, he said, "Um, I just found it…?"

"Wherever you got it from, it's a whole lot better than Quasi's Mud Lite. Mind if I mix some of that?"

"Go for it," said Sora, leading them into the cottage. After retrieving cups, he and Aqua decided to shoot some pool, turning it into a drinking game. Every time they missed, a shot would be taken. However, Sora underestimated his skill-level; he scored five times in a row after breaking.

"Okay, I kinda wanna drink now," Sora put his foot down, taking one shot straight to the head.

Mickey and Minnie found the stereo, opting to play some current jams from rappers and singers they couldn't even understand. Esmeralda was the first to introduce herbs to the party, passing a joint to a beaming Quasimodo.

Sora's butterflies from earlier seemed to evaporate; now, he was just enjoying himself. He ended up pocketing the eight-ball, meaning he had to down an entire cup of whiskey by himself.

"Whoa!" Sora gasped. "Tell me the room just started spinning!"

Aqua, barely tipsy herself, laughed and said, "Good game. Go relax in the jacuzzi, Sora."

 _Don't tell me what to do_ , Sora thought drunkenly. He said aloud, "Only if you come with me."

"Yeah…uh, I don't feel like swimming," Aqua deflected with a nervous smile. "Go have fun with the others."

 _She's acting weird again._ Grasping his bearings, Sora shrugged and suggested, "Wanna just hang out on the dock?"

Deep down, Aqua wasn't sure what Sora's intentions were, so she fixed him with a brief stare. She also wasn't expecting to be alone with Sora that night, at least not so soon. Finally, she said, "Oh, uh…sure!"

Strolling through the house's sliding doors back to the deck, Sora and Aqua passed up the jacuzzi full of Disney and Square Enix characters to sit on the edge of the deck. Sora leaned back and gazed up at the star-studded sky, Aqua soon following suit.

Randomly, Sora threw out a compliment, "You're fun to hang out with, Aqua. I wish we could do this more often."

"I don't know why we don't," Aqua replied. "I feel like we get along well enough."

Truthfully, Sora got along with everybody, but he didn't say that. Instead, he asked, "Wanna be best friends, then?"

Aqua giggled. "We'll see."

"You were right, you know." Piquing the girl's interest, he added, "I did find what I was looking for."

Aqua briefly wondered if _she_ was what he was looking for. Arresting those thoughts, she asked, "And what were you looking for, again?"

"You."

Nearly gasping, Aqua simply waited for Sora to say something else.

"My friends and I are growing apart. Trying to meet new people isn't easy like it used to be. To tell the truth, I'm glad you found me by the fountains a couple nights ago. I feel like we're the only ones who know how lonely the world can be."

Finally, Aqua responded, "You're not wrong. The Realm of Darkness is pretty unforgiving. And that's just what's in the game." Choosing her words carefully, she admitted, "I like having you for a friend, Sora."

Sora held out his fist, allowing Aqua to fist-bump him back. Changing the subject, he asked, "So how come you don't wanna go swimming, girl whose name means water?"

Giggling again, Aqua replied, "I, uh…just don't feel like it."

Suddenly, everyone in the jacuzzi departed from said pool, all grabbing towels to venture inside the cottage.

Sora commented, "I guess now would be the perfect time to go in, but since you don't wanna go…"

"Hm. Maybe later." After taking a sip from her mixed cup, she suddenly asked, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"Ugh. No, for real."

"What is it?"

"Do you wanna be with Kairi in Kingdom Hearts III?"

Sora felt a little ambushed by that question. Cautiously, he said, "I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me."

Aqua internally approved of Sora's answer, masking her mild excitement. "How about Xion?"

"I literally have no idea who she is," Sora answered earnestly. "Both on and off the big screen."

"Heh…"

"What about you? Anyone you want to be with?"

Aqua took a page out of Sora's book and answered without thinking. "How about…you?"

"Huh?" Sora uttered.

"Um, forget I said anything." Aqua's blushing was highlighted by the nearby torches.

"No, it's cool. Let's say we do end up together. Think we'll get to have a super passionate kiss at the end?"

"If the game devs are reading my letters, then hopefully yes…"

Sora gave a smirk before erupting in laughter. "As if those guys read our letters. Hey, let's practice kissing right now!"

Fixing Sora with a look of disbelief, Aqua replied, "You must be drunk."

Choosing not to answer, he simply turned and made the most eager kissing face possible. If it was anyone else, Aqua would've left Sora hanging, but something strange happened. She kissed him back.

Sora let himself feel flabbergasted. He didn't know his silly antics would lead to new territory.

Their kiss lasted as long as a peck on the lips tends to last. Both protagonists were blushing now, staring deep into each other's eyes.

Embarrassed, Aqua looked away before saying, "What? You asked for it…"

At a loss for words, Sora simply started beaming. His feelings for Aqua were more mature than he ever knew. Things were getting half-awkward, half-amorous between them, so more drinks were in order.

He checked the house, noticing everyone was too busy with a high-stakes billiards tournament to see their kiss. Without a care in the world, Sora stated in a low voice, "I'm going in the jacuzzi."

Sora's shorts doubled as swimming trunks, so he removed his shirt and shoes and hopped right in. This seemed to give Aqua an ultimatum; standing up with a sigh, she removed her sandals, then pausing at the edge of the swimming pool.

"What's the matter?" Sora asked.

"I, uh…"

"What?"

Shaking her head, she turned around and took off her hoodie; to Sora's surprise, he was greeted by Aqua's bare back. She turned back around, concealing her naked chest with crossed arms. Finally, she took a dip in the pool, stating the obvious, "Yeah, not wearing a bra."

"Wow. No really…wow."

"Shut up, Sora."

Bold move incoming; sliding off his shorts in the pool, Sora tossed them elsewhere. "See? Now we're both naked."

"Idiot, I still have my bottoms on." Aqua's glare melted into a warm smile. She moved over to him, sitting right beside the naked Keyblader. Then, without hesitation, she slid off her bottoms and tossed 'em by Sora's shorts.

Another bold move incoming; taking the whiskey bottle by the neck, Sora decided to chug at least half of what remained. Gasping for air, he shrieked, "Whoa! I mean, that's good stuff."

Suddenly competing, Aqua grasped the bottle from Sora's hand and chugged more of it. Also gasping, she leaned on his shoulder for support. And then her hand accidentally-on-purpose brushed his manhood.

"Whoa."

"Whoa."

Aqua initiated the second kiss, this time, going for his tongue. He kissed back, resulting in the young maiden mounting him. Blissfully, they made out. That is, until Quasimodo returned outside to fetch his watch. Before the hunchback caught on, Aqua submerged herself, and Sora turned the bubbles on high.

Quasi slurred his words to Sora, "Dude, I am, like, both, right now! Like that song! Howzit go? Isn't it like… _'I 'on't usually do this less I'm drunk or I'm high, but I'm both right now! Got me—'_ Yadda yadda yadda!"

"That's nice, Quasi—hey, I think Esmeralda's calling you!" Sora urged.

"That bitch smokes too much herbs," said Quasi. "Also, don't tell her I said 'bitch' just now."

"'Kay, Quasi! Don't work too hard!"

"Work? I'm partying tonight, mofucka! Anyway, don't be a stranger, Sora!" And with that, Quasi finally went back inside.

Sora pulled Aqua back to the surface, remarking, "You almost died."

Pointing to the beach house's east side, Aqua suggested, "Let's go over there."

And so, they ventured unseen to a grassy area that tapered off into the sandy shore. Without a moment's notice, Aqua pushed Sora against the house's wall, vigorously making out again. With one hand on the bottle and the other cupping Aqua's exposed booty, Sora let out a drunken moan.

Just then, the window beside them let out a cone of fluorescence, soon opening to reveal a gloved hand tossing something out. Sora and Aqua froze.

Suddenly, the sound of Minnie Mouse's voice reached their ears, "Mickey knows how much I hate smoking. Honestly, the nerve of that mouse…"

Turns out, Minnie was discarding ash from an ashtray, also choosing to stand there and breathe fresh air. Before they were caught, Aqua led Sora beneath the windowsill to the back of the beach house. After rounding the corner, Aqua dove into Sora, landing them both behind some bushes before they were yet again spotted; this time, Sam and Quorra were in the vicinity, chatting it up with drinks in their hands.

With Aqua sprawled on top of him, Sora muttered, "So much for shootin' pool."

"We are gonna get caught if we don't find a safe spot, like right now," said Aqua.

"There's still one more side of the house we haven't been to yet," Sora whispered hazily. "If we stay behind the bushes, they won't spot us."

"You lead the way."

"Hold on." Sora took another swig of whiskey. "O.K., let's go."

Both prone, they crawled around the side of the house until finally reaching the fourth wall. Alone at last—

"Oh, shit—we're gonna hit the fuckin' roof!" came a voice from above. Upon further inspection, Sora surmised it was Joshua and Beat hang gliding into the Lakefront Resort from Kingdom Hearts knows where. They appeared to be tandem hang gliding, with Beat in charge of yawing.

Joshua panicked, "Well, steer it upwards!"

Sora and Aqua jumped behind some convenient bushes, the latter of whom growling under her breath, "This is getting ridiculous…. Why are you smiling?"

Feeling both their pulses pounding, Sora chortled, "I…I'm having a lot of fun right now!"

Joshua and Beat had made a rough landing on the rooftop. Regaining his bearings, Beat admitted, "Yo, I'm no good at this flying stuff, yo. Next time, you get the sticks, iight? Shit…"

"Weird," Joshua suddenly said. "I thought I saw two people hiding on the ground just now…"

"Crap, we're not safe here," said Sora, overhearing that last part. Sure, they were concealed in shadows, but he forgot that Joshua has eyes like a hawk. Spotting a window on the house's wall, Sora said, "Through there!"

They rushed over and attempted to slide open said window, however…

"Damn! It's locked," Sora surmised.

Aqua gave him a deadpan look. "Really, Sora?"

"Right!" Drawing his Keyblade, Sora unlocked the window and proceeded to hoist Aqua upward. After she managed to get through, Aqua held out her hand to help the male Keyblader up, however…

"Wait…I should go get our clothes! Wait right there!"

Without waiting for Aqua's response, Sora dipped around the corner, grabbed their discarded clothing, and scuttled back to the window, leaping through it with no issue. And he did all this without spilling his bottle of whiskey.

"You're a genius!" Aqua said, standing in the dark, empty bedroom. "And I'm out of breath…"

Together, they finished the bottle of whiskey, now completely wasted out of their minds. Having thrown their clothing all about the small room, Sora fell ass-backwards on the queen-sized bed; Aqua jumped on top of him once more, this time noticing something strange about Sora's pubic hair.

"Is that supposed to be a crown?" she asked with ensuing laughter.

"Yes. It took me twenty minutes."

Aqua laughed out loud. "It's not bad. But I think you missed a spot…"

However, just before Aqua was about to go down on him, the hall outside the door lit up and filled with chatter.

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Sora grumbled in a slur.

It was Neku and Joshua talking to one another, the latter of whom stating, "Yeah, we missed the ferry ride, but Beat got this insane idea to go hang gliding from the top of Square's Headquarters. And I still can't believe it worked."

Neku responded, "I don't care how you got here. Just come get your ass kicked in pool."

"Pool's a dumb game, so I guess you excel at it. Where's the booze, anyway?"

"That hunchback guy's got some pretty good stuff…"

And with that, their voices disappeared down the hallway.

Aqua sat up, rubbing her bare shoulders. "Fuck. My skin's dry."

Sora glanced at the nearby dresser, noticing a bottle of sun tan lotion. "I think I've got you covered."

Retrieving said bottle, Sora now stood over the bed, which held Aqua's naked form. She lay on her belly, giving Sora a remarkable view of her healthy backside. She didn't even have to ask. Sora just started giving her a drunken rubdown, spreading the sun tan lotion to every smooth surface. It was when he started focusing on her shapely derriere that his eyes widened in the dark.

There really was a God. And Sora was awakening into someone or something exponentially more badass.

The drunken rubdown turned into a sexually explicit massage. Right then and there, he fell in love with Aqua's mature features, caressing her sweet hips and swollen glutes. In the dark, he spotted certain openings he'd love to fill. Gawking was in order when he noticed the way her breasts expanded like pressed water balloons against the mattress. Everything on her was entirely too arousing to him.

He squeezed the bottle, but this time, nothing came out.

"Welp, this is empty." Spotting a second bottle sitting on the dresser, he smirked and said, "No wait. You're still covered."

Upon closer inspection, that second "bottle" was actually a tube of something. Having one more bright idea that night, Sora took said tube, uncapped it, and squeezed it's contents directly onto Aqua's ass. Then, without warning, he shoved his erect penis between her ass cheeks, stroking like his life depended on it.

"Mmm," Aqua said that. "Oh, Sora!"

And so, both Keyblade wielders humped and stroked…all without actually having sex. Still, they switched positions multiple times before settling with Aqua on top, her backside firmly pressed against Sora's front. At one point it became curiously difficult to move around, but both were too exhausted and, of course, totally wasted to notice. And so, there, they fell asleep.

The following day, it was determined that Sora must die.

 **-X-**

* * *

Seriously, this is the end, for now. **Sora Must Die** picks up the following morning.


End file.
